July 1st, 2011

krazy koati

I kicked the blankets on the floor, turned my pillow upside down

If there's one thing between you and a good night's sleep it's probably the bedside pack of carnivorous killer shrimp. If there's two things there's the bedside pack of carnivorous killer shrimp and how something's keeping you awake, possibly their toe-nibbling. Fortunately there are a number --- let's say six, the most number-y of numbers --- of ways of overcoming insomnia. But what if you can't not get to sleep? How can they help if you just set your head on the pillow and nod off?

To properly not get to sleep you have to give it a good try. If you don't sleep by going out and having fun all night this is against the rules and the umpires will give you a red card, which can be traded after the match for a different red card. You have to show up in proper outfit (for me, this is whatever I was wearing when I decided to go to bed, unless it contained a belt, in which case I take the belt off and hope it will go missing overnight, which it never does), find a regulation bed, and lay down until you find you aren't asleep.

Thoughts are the traditional way to not sleep as most beds are too small for sports except for Tiny Baseball. Think of anything and you'll find something to worry about. If anything isn't coming to mind worry about that: are you forgetting how to think of things? If you aren't, why are you thinking about this? Did you start thinking about this and can't think of a way out? But you are thinking about ways out, so why aren't you out? This can fritter away dozens, maybe tens of thousands of happy dreams you would be having.

Consider a realistic fear: suppose you are a ``brain in a vat'' with everything you perceive a computer simulation. This implies that someone, for some purpose, had make it so this simulation could produce the actions of Ryan Reynolds in your vat. Why? Was it their initiative or the direction of their higher-ups? Why would higher-ups simulating your universe need you to experience however indirectly the actions of Ryan Reynolds? What wouldn't an equivalent other celebrity provide? What did that person do after creating the Ryan Reynolds-enabling code? Was it the killer shrimp nibbling your toes? Will you encounter any of this further work, and if so, when?

You could remember you're laying in bed, and there are people very bothered about whether it's 'lay' or 'lie', and you might have to defend your choice to lay in bed from someone on the lie proposition. Getting nautical, you might mistake 'lie' for 'lee'. This inspires the idea this must be where 'leeward' comes from, with 'ward' probably left over from 'forward' and 'backward', and it even makes 'windward' sensible, but you have no idea what direction any of this is. Well, you're pretty good on 'forward', except you remember ships like doing things all complicated so it probably isn't that way either. Mostly you know if the wind is northeasterly and the water current northeasterly they're going in different directions, possibly down.

Past sins are always good. Remember when you walking into the yoga center and the women pulling over to ask where's a mailbox since the temporary post office doesn't have a 24-hour drop? And you bluff about a mailbox being near a bank ``a couple blocks'' over there, and pretended the old post office was just next to the library down by the Y-intersection to the lee? She seemed satisfied, but did she find a mailbox? Did she spend the rest of her days wandering downtown searching cursing your name? Is her bereaved family seeking you to avenge her starvation? Is that them now? Why did her card envelopes each have two stamps on them, and ostentatiously upside-down stamps at that?

If there's three things between you and a good night's sleep there's the killer shrimp and the insomnia, but the third is probably how it isn't night, or not a good night. Check your night vendor to see if you got a dud.

Trivia: The Babylonian Zodiac sign corresponding to the Latin Libra was the Balance. Source: Mapping Time: The Calendar and its History, EG Richards. (Yeah, didn't see that coming.)

Currently Reading: The First Tycoon: The Epic Life Of Cornelius Vanderbilt, T J Stiles.