austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

And I'll count the seconds, and the minutes, and the hours

Congratulations! There are many reasons to congratulate you, yes, but we mean for your acquisition of a Glokzar Ki'yaa 4404T hand phone. Glokzar is a fast-moving company -- you didn't see us wave just then, even though we had your attention, did you? We just did it again and you missed it again -- eager to serve people's needs to communicate, though we won't give you something to talk about. It is not the cover for a James Bond-esque supervillain on a secret island in the south Atlantic plotting to take over the world via resonant subharmonic hypnotic tones distributed by our hand phones, so kindly put that thought and a periodic tone of A sharp three octaves below middle C out of your head.

The Ki'yaa line was named serendipitously when one of our engineers learned the hot plate in the staff lounge was left on overnight. We have always strived, unless that should be striven, or maybe strove, to make our devices as convenient as possible. For example, the keypad always has ten numbers available for immediate dialing. (Stroove?) Most users leave them on the default zero through nine, but we recommend replacing silly and unnecessary numbers such as ``four'' with more serious and useful ones, such as ``two''. In the unlikely event you need a deleted number you can restore it on a temporary basis for the holidays, or use a work-around like ``three-ish fivey''. (Stroved?)

We are proud its flexible design lets it be inserted into already existing clothes. This requires your finding a person who can open the seams of a collar, insert the phone, and then re-stitch the edge. While inserting the phone can be done without training we have a region-free DVD explaining the process in disquieting detail available for the cost of shipping. (Strooved?) Opening and re-stitching clothes is a skill last taught in your grandmothers' generation, so you should ask them. If your grandmothers have died or you are not speaking to them, we can contact other people's grandmothers for you, or if the proper releases are signed we have some mediation services. If you have died we will try to help, but you are honestly being difficult. We will try to make accommodations but you should know we will talk about you, using many unpleasant words, in the staff lounge. (Strooven?)

Please note that our telephones are designed to withstand only a limited amount of agitation and heat, so clothing with them inserted should be machine-washed for only six minutes and machine-dryed no more than four minutes. So we recommend wearing any phone-implanted clothing for no more than two hours at a stretch if you have a sedentary job, or one hour if you have to actually do things. (Strought?)

Trivia: The budget for the second Star Trek pilot, ``Where No Man Has Gone Before,'' allocated US$300 for mimeographing. Source: The Making of Star Trek, Stephen E Whitfield, Gene Roddenberry.

Currently Reading: The Johnstown Flood, David G McCullough.

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