austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Sing while you sell

Selections from our Spring catalogue:

  • Carpet seeds (Item A). These hardy indoor plants grow to a near-uniform quarter-inch height and reach from stem to stern glare. As such they are reasonably satisfying for use as carpeting, and bring the pleasures of a fresh-mown lawn to wandering down the hall forgetting what you got up for. Watering is not needed after the base layer has grown in; merely occasionally spill a cup of a caffeinated drink such as coffee, tea, or cola onto the blades. Now that you need to, you never will spill a cup again. To ensure the grounds are sufficiently fed we offer a special off-balance motor which randomly shakes a glass or cup (see item 4, omitted for completeness). Rumors about the lawn-carpet capturing small children or pets and dragging them off to photosynthetic lifestyles are misleading.
  • Body paint, interior (Item C). Nontoxic paints provided in gel-cap or tablet form with appropriate tracer chemicals seek out selected organs and apply paints of several kinds. Simple patterns brighten them with a uniform shade or a stylish two-tone; designer patterns provide reproductions of masterpieces of the art world. Phosphorescence is available at a slight additional charge. Care is advised in taking something to paint your entire muscular or circulatory system as light and shade patterns can result in embarrassing situations and questions at security gates.
  • USB Quay (Item L). Convenient data storage at the shore.
  • Hand desanitizer (Item IX). A method of handling concerns that an overly sanitized lifestyle leads to unpleasant allergies, as well as the concern that overuse of antibiotic liquids and gels breeds nastier disease organisms. A dime-size squirt of hand desanitizer brings the bacteria and virus count of a full day of shaking hands, touching doorknobs, reusing sponges, paying cash, and handling restaurant menus. With the easy-peel-off label removed makes a great prank on friends with obsessive-compulsive disorders! Tell them over the pay phone.
  • Grandfather Insurance (Item XL). Protection for grandfathers against your time-travelling rampages. Highly recommended for all people bored with basic time-travel paradoxes. Note that grandmother insurance is not currently available because who would think of killing their own grandmother?
  • To-Do List Enhancer (Item CC-1, -2, or -3). This productivity device greatly enhances one's sense of accomplishment by allowing one to note down items which one intends quite firmly to do. After a discreet unit of continuous time has passed the device either checks off (version -1), crosses off (version -2), or randomly selects a check or a cross (version -3) to mark off each item in a nearly sequential order, allowing one to firmly believe that one has completed all listed tasks.
  • Pink Bunny Slippers (Item DCCLVI). Making the bunny pink is your concern. Lemonade can be used as a temporary dye, but the bunny may start giggling.
  • Palm Copilot (Item MMXXXVIII). A small person, easily strapped onto the claw, arm, or wing of a commercial- or higher-grade dragon. These copilots are particularly useful in keeping up with transponder codes, air traffic control notices, weather reports, and other essential features to flying in Class A through D airspaces. Separate maintenance and food units are available. The catalogue item includes a coupon for one free starter kit and a large cage with cedar chips. The copilot has no interest in them, but they do give the lair that lived-in feel and improves the scent until ambient water makes mold set in. When this happens the chips should be changed for something more durable, and maybe the more durable thing should have been sent in in the first place. We may not have been ready for the Spring catalogue.
  • Personal Reevaluations (Item III-XVI-XIX). Please note that this takes the place of Personal Revelations, which proved too hard to provide in a satisfying manner to our customer base. That in turn replaced Personal Renovations, which proved to get too many of our contractors slugged. That in turn replaced Personal Revolutions, in dizzying speed, after replacing Personal Resonations, which appears to have been a typo. This was formerly listed as Personal Reservations and before that Personal Renegotiations. No prerequisites or corequisites. Cannot be taken in place of Musical Anthropology.
  • Thursdays (slightly used) (Item XXVI). Convertible to Wednesdays when applied to a week with a Friday holiday in it.

Trivia: Concrete pouring in diversion tunnel number three, the first of the Hoover Dam tunnels diverting the Colorado River, began 16 March 1932. Source: Hoover Dam, Joseph E Stevens.

Currently Reading: From Alfred to Henry III, 871 - 1272, Christopher Brooke.

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