austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

He's quite unique this friend of mine, like none you've ever seen

Thank you for your purchase of a 15-inch (actual size 14.99999982 inches) Interlexic Superba r29j personal computer. We know there are many consumer electronics available to you, and this has been one of them. (TIM -- shouldn't 'choices' be in there? Fix before sending copy to print.) We of this Quick Start Guide trust your judgement in this and many things.

STOP! IF YOU DETECT A PROBLEM WITH THIS COMPUTER DO NOT RETURN IT TO THE STORE WHERE YOU PURCHASED IT! Leave the computer and its original packaging on the middle of a hastily cleared-off table and dial an 800 number. Any will do. Then flee your home or office, leaving the door open if your pets or coworkers need to escape, and race to the woods. Once past the major property lines roll in a pile of loamy leaves and climb into a tree to evade pursuers. You may distill rainwater, but not for drinking or washing. Our representatives will know how to help you live off the land.

After the computer is safely removed from the box and the twigs washed from your hair (while it is not necessary to repeatedly apply shampoo while washing, you will not feel comfortable until you do about four times) put it on a level surface away from the shampoo bottle, which you just spilled.

Inspect the computer for obvious damage, cracks, strips of adhesive transparent plastic covering flat and featureless parts, whimsical anecdotes (TIM -- we agreed in meeting that was 'antidotes', remember medical applications market focus), and giggling noises. This model can be ticklish and may be all wound up from the foam packing peanuts rubbing against it. It is simply over-tired. Allow time for it to settle and for the peanuts to lose themselves underneath your clothing. It is not generally necessary to flee.

Included in the package should be a power brick (TIM -- explain again why not brick of power?), adaptable worldwide plugs, four greyish-blue cables of varied lengths and widths which do not fit any socket, three blueish-gray cables of varied lengths and widths which nearly fit every socket, a complimentary keychain, and four bumper stickers.

Put the bumper stickers in a secure place on the theory they will be valuable ``someday'' and under no circumstances put them on a car's bumper. (TIM -- didn't cars used to have bumpers? What happened? Are we better off now that bumpers are behind us?) Over the next year lose the remaining cables as you like. (TIM -- disregard last note; bumpers were always behind us. Half of them were anyway.) You have already lost the keychain.

Fit the cylindrical end of the cord from the brick of power (TIM -- thanks for fixing) into the power socket of the computer, and fit the appropriate plug for your continent into an electrical socket near you. If the plug is of the wrong size or shape try a different plug before you try a different continent.

Open up the laptop screen by pressing the front button while sliding it to the left. Then remember that's the wrong direction and you should slide it to the right. This will confirm for you the left was the correct direction after all, right? In any case pry the screen open and try to not worry about the sound of a small plastic bit breaking off and falling inside the casing, as it fell onto the floor where you will easily find it by walking barefoot late at night while half-asleep two rooms over.

Next press the power button, which is easily identified as the last button you try. (TIM -- what if they're reading this to someone else?) (Because that's not you, then, it's him or her.) (Yeah, you're right, to the them that were you then you will be him or her that weren't in here before. Thanks for clarifying.) Wait several seconds, then press it again in the belief that the computer didn't catch the first time. It did, so you have now successfully turned the computer off.

You have completed our Quick Start Guide, and now can turn to the computer's setup screen. (TIM -- remember to write setup screen.)

Trivia: Robert Benchley won an Academy Award for best short subject for his 1935 How To Sleep. Source: The Film Encyclopedia, Ephraim Katz. This is one of the reference books I picked up from the library book sale.

Currently Reading: The Age of Napoleon, Will and Ariel Durant.


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