austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Anything you want, you got it

Selections from our Winter Catalogue:

  • Counterfeit Information Detection Pens. A challenge to the Information Economy is counterfeiting. Yet how can one tell actual information from fraudulent information, particularly in these days when style sheets make it possible to build web pages that look very much like they could be human-readable? Thus we offer this pen, which mixes a dye with the natural starches found inside real information to create a pleasant blue spot. This allows the easy testing for and selection of information provided it happens not to be blue already. Fortunately little useful information is already blue, and that which is will soon be treated with an amino acid which makes the marker turn blue instead.
  • Low-Heel Shoes. There's no question high-heel shoes are troublesome: they put uncomfortable strains on the muscles and tendons of the foot and make it difficult for even well-coordinated people to stay balanced while running away from the camera crews attempting to create a quirky one-camera office comedy show based on their existence. Low-Heel shoes, available in sizes 4 through QW (which appears to be a typing erorr), have the toes raised from one to eighteen inches above the heels. This lets the wearer fall in innovative ways, but is also highly recommended for those who have to walk down inclined planes a lot.
  • Rhinoceros Pajamas. So the elephant has something to wear besides yours. (Rhinoceroses are advised about potential problems if they buy a set.)
  • Portable Bus Stop. This lightweight, easy-to-erect structure bears a better than passing resemblance to bus stops of almost fourteen municipal mass transit lines. If you're ever stuck waiting for a bus, try deploying this, which can be assembled by only four people working in close coordination for over two hours if they want to do it the hard way by and not use their hands. It won't guarantee that a bus will stop right in front of you, or even that there is a bus to be stopped, but that one time in a thousand that it does work you'll be mighty grateful. De-installation kit sold separately. You may want to just fit it on the bus's bike rack. If it has no bike rack just buy a second ticket so it can ride with you.
  • Birthday Passes. Didn't qualify for a birthday on your own merits this year? These functional equivalents allow you to gain a year without going through the formal paperwork and examination process. Proof of age at least 21 required, or available in bulk purchases.
  • Eyelash Have-Beens. For the Eyelash Mite that thinks it has everything.
  • Floor Fan. This variable-speed four-blade fan is perfect for people wanting to improve the circulation of air but who live with a crippling fear of ceiling fans coming loose and falling on them in bed even when the bed is in another room. It also avoids the problem of wall-mounted or free-standing fans and the irresistible tendency to stare into the fans as they spin around and around and around and around and around and around and around and when you wake up it's three months later and you're wearing a stocking cap on your left hand. Not recommended for homes with small children, pets, or people who walk without watching where they're going and dislike numerous bruises to their lower shins.
  • Banana Re-sealer. The banana peel is almost perfect wrapping, but causes waste or hasty snacks when one didn't want to eat all the banana at once. This polymer-based re-sealer lets one fold the petals of the banana peel back up. Perfect for leftovers and magic tricks. While customers have reported success in putting other small fruits inside an old peel, potential buyers are warned about many things including this. Furthermore, this is almost useless for practical jokes, as the only people who would be fooled by a pear in a banana peel are highly inexperienced banana or pear eaters, and so will probably not understand the joke until you explain it in laborious and whimsy-crushing detail. It's just a useful tool. Isn't that enough?

Trivia: 21 September 1943 was War Bond Day for the Columbia Broadcasting System. As part of the promotion Kate Smith spoke 65 times over the day, from 8 am to two in the morning. Source: V Was For Victory, John Morton Blum.

Currently Reading: 1927: High Tide of the Twenties, Gerald Leinwand.

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