austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Those weary blues can't get into my shoes

Do your feet hurt? More important really is who do your feet hurt? And if who, then what do they hurt? There's little that needs to be done if your feet are hurting someone else, because they probably do that hurting by being on the other person in some awkward location. Sometimes they're applied to the other person at extreme speeds. This sort of hurting foot can be cured by un-applying your foot. This assumes you do want to stop their discomfort, and whether you do depends on complex social interactions. If your foot is emotionally hurting them instead things are also going to be more confused and difficult, and you should bring your foot in for counseling. Call ahead as winter is the busy season.

If they hurt you then the problem is more immediate and giving your feet a good talking-to may be appropriate. There are times when you could sensibly want your feet to hurt, but those are mostly the times when having a small but not externally provable ailment will get you out of something, for example, if someone needs you to move a couch up seven flights of stairs. If your feet are starting to hurt then this is the time to start hanging around eight-story buildings and make friends who have couches. You may as well get the credit for wanting to help if only it didn't hurt.

If you have got sore feet, check first that they are your own. Perhaps you were confused this morning and put on someone else's by mistake. These you could no more expect to be comfortable than you could expect someone else's bunny slippers to be comfortable, particularly if you failed to remove the bunny from them. Be careful as the bunny may bite if threatened.

A course of treatment will depend on what part of the foot really hurts: the ankle, the toes, the arch, the support, the drawbridge, the toll booth, or the pier and the starling. A team of expert engineers should be consulted to identify structural weaknesses and, if necessary, design the complete replacement of your foot, perhaps with one of those elegant new cable-stayed feet. These can be most lovely with their long, graceful tapering curves of supporting wires, and will draw to your foot steady traffic of grateful tourists, some of them from Denmark, taking pictures. You'll want to dress appropriately and perhaps expect to find in here a crack about footbridges. That would be silly, as it's more profitable to have freight tunnels under your ankles.

Should there be spare money it's also a good idea to bring in a team of inexpert engineers, as they will be funny to watch. You can get a team of inexpert engineers going for hours by pretending to not be certain which ones are your feet. You can ask them to prove those on you are actually your feet. (Make sure you have your original receipt on foot lest you be held for Grand Theft Navicular.) Ask if you're supposed to identify with feet simply because you were physically attached to them, or if they should be feet with which you've formed a strong emotional connection. If they say ``emotional connection'' you can point out how good the cat's feet feel when you're in a half-waking mood, and watch the inexpert engineers try claiming that maybe they were supposed to help the person the next house over.

If a complete structural replacement of the foot is ruled out then it's on to repairs. The alternate ways to fix a sore foot are to apply pressure to it, or to remove pressure to it; or to apply heat to it, or to stop applying heat to it. You can go on pretty near forever trying to be sure whether the other approach would work better. Really, if it keeps you occupied and feeling productive that alone is an accomplishment and you shouldn't ignore that. There are probably all sorts of body parts that you have -- on you or perhaps in the linen closet -- that aren't doing as much. What's important is the sense of participation.

Trivia: In 1923 Goodrich sold almost half a million Zipper Boots. Source: The Evolution of Useful Things, Henry Petroski.

Currently Reading: Empire of Light: Edison, Tesla, Westinghouse, and the Race to Electrify the World, Jill Jonnes.

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