austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Read the newspaper print off the microfiche slide

Now that we finally have some time we can review the process of how to hold bottles. Bottles are the most important common thing laying about that need holding. Most other objects are content to either be petted or rubbed -- or in the case of some objects like carpets and carports (they are not interchangeable!) hugged -- and bottles show a nearly unique talent for migrating away from where they ought to be and into the path where people intend to be walking. They don't mean anything bad by it; they just suffer from wandering lids, which is why you can count on the laundry detergent or the fabric softener having the caps on just tight enough to fall off only when you touch the bottles. This shows the importance of properly holding bottles.

Although people may feel they generally have a good idea of what is a bottle, the idea of what isn't might be a little shakier. In fact, there are bottles of all kinds all around us, some of them barely suspected. Start for example with soda bottles, which are pretty indisputable in their bottle-ness. But consider where the soda bottles come from -- of course, that must be from a soda bottle bottle. While that will be hidden in a store's loading docks, the soda bottle bottle itself comes logically from a soda bottle bottle bottle. These are kept in the region's bottling plant, which is located somewhere that does not mind recursive factories, so that we don't need to worry about a specific bottle bottle bottle bottle, et cetera, bottle bottle; we just run one off from an earlier bottle (et cetera) iteration.

And bottles can take on all sorts of forms, too. A soda bottle has a resemblance to a wine bottle, if you kind of squint, but neither looks much like the bridge-spouted vessels used in the ancient cultures of the Nazca, the Hasanlu, and the Phoenicians. I'm not even sure that bridge-spouted vessels are actually bottles. It sounds like they ought to be ships. I know they had ships in the Bronze Age. Bottles I suppose they had because there wouldn't be much point to having a ship if you couldn't put it in something.

To hold a bottle, apply your hands securely to the outside of the bottle. You definitely want to not apply them to the inside. You either have no idea what's inside the bottle so it might be any sort of thing you don't want getting on your hands, such as Hand Removal Cream, or else you do know exactly what's in the bottle and therefore you certainly don't want it on your hands. If you wanted it on your hands you wouldn't put it in there in the first place. Oh, yes, it's logically possible that someone else put it in the bottle without your involvement, but they probably knew what they were doing, and if they're any good at this bottle-putting-inning business they probably had very good reasons you shouldn't just ignore. You should find out what the reasons are and only then ignore them.

The natural next question follows the first question, which would be, are there any questions? So with that entered into evidence the next question is what to do in case one wants to hold a Klein bottle, which is obviously a four-dimensional closed non-orientable surface of Euler characteristic zero -- and a rare exception to the Heawood Conjecture -- and as a result has got no inside or outside. It simply is wherever it is that it is where it is, whichever that is. The point is that since the Klein bottle has no outside, nothing can be applied to its outside. In the case that one needs to handle a Klein bottle, a check or money order for one British pound (1.05 avoirdupois pounds) should be sent as royalty to its inventor, Felix Klein. Since Klein died in 1925, there may be a bit of a wait for him to deposit it, so please keep your checking account adequately funded.

Nothing can be done about the laundry detergent or the fabric softener bottles.

Trivia: Of the 43 German submarines sent to attack the Allied Normandy invasion force, eighteen were sunk and twelve were forced to return to base due to damage. Source: Why The Allies Won, Richard Overy.

Currently Reading: Worlds of Maybe, Editor Robert Silverberg. Of course it has Asimov's ``Living Space'', which still seems like an under-used application of alternate timelines.


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