austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

They'll buy no pan without Chopin

Selections from our mid-September catalogue:

  • Emotion-Sensitive Switches. It's fine having the lights come on or go out depending on whether something in the room is moving, but what if you want the lights to stay on even when you're just puttering around in place, or to go out because it's important that you sneak up on someone? Emotion-Sensitive Switches allow for electric control tuned to various moods, including: cheer, frustration, the nagging sensation you left the car trunk open, overwhelmedness, and the joy of finding a twenty-dollar bill you forgot existed.
  • Dog Flume Ride. This exciting amusement park ride comes home to you, in form convenient to assemble requiring no more than ordinary personal welding equipment. It's worth it as you settle into the car, float your way forward to the lift hill, and at the top are set upon by a pack of enthusiastic Labrador retrievers and licked all over. Also available in golden retriever, water spaniel, mastiff, were-poodle, and non-vampire beagle.
  • New Roman Numerals. The Roman system of using popular letters for numbers and having rules about adding and maybe sometimes subtracting them was fun, but it doesn't begin to handle all the complexities of mathematics since the discovery of multiple-entry bookkeeping. With highly original numerals we can handle digits the Romans never dreamed of, like 75,000, as well as negative numbers, decimals, and transfinite quantities. Finally the Praetor can start to understand advanced mathematical theory!
  • Inaccurate Lyrics. What's more annoying than finding a tune stuck in your head? Not being able to get it out, certainly, but another annoying thing is not knowing what the lyrics to your song are. This leaves an unresolved, semi-complete tune wending its way hopelessly through your mind drowning out all thought. Thus the solution: given the tune we can provide you with a set of lyrics which may have nothing to do with the original song but will surely match well enough that you can't get the tune or the new lyrics out again. This will aid you in more rapidly going mad.
  • Special, Improved Hours. Nobody gets enough sleep anymore, not since the exciting example set by Napoleon Bonaparte, for whom it got him exiled to a desolate island in the South Atlantic Ocean. If you want to avoid that fate you'll need to cut back your policy of invading every European nation real and imaginary, yes, but you'll also need more time to sleep. Yet it's almost impossible to find more hours for sleeping. The solution? Hours with more minutes in them. You may only be able to sleep from 1 am to 6 am, but if each of those hours has upwards of a hundred minutes in it, isn't that just as good as sleeping over eight hours a day? Sure it is. Don't worry about what happens to the seconds. Warning: may require advanced mathematical theory if you need to get up in the middle of the night.
  • RCXML: Do you not have enough specific complaints to offer about everyone else's web browser? With the new RCXML you can create a new standard for communicating web thingies that only ever works for you, on your browser, ever, and can therefore rightly claim that everybody else's browser simply does not work right. The advanced version (XRCXML) includes the ability to make random prepositional phrases appear in other people's browsers when they try your simple demonstrations, and the highly advanced version (YRCYML) can leave others' web browsers staggering confused for days to come.
  • Self-Propelled Calendar. Perpetual calendars are fine for people who are easily amused by knowing what day it happens to be; the trouble is, they're boring. After a year you've seen all the important things they have to offer and the rest is little frills like whether this month has a 31st and what you should do with it. With a Self-Propelled Calendar, simply finding out the day will be accompanied by the challenge of figuring out where the calendar's got, and maybe coaxing it out of a hiding spot. Never again will finding out it's Wednesday be all the calendar has to offer!

Trivia: The collapsible umbrella which French master purse-maker Jean Marius invented from 1705 to 1709 folded down to about 7 1/2 inches to 9 inches long with a diameter of 1 1/2inches, but unfolded to about 22 1/2 inches long with a diameter of 17 1/2 inches. Source: The Essence Of Style: How the French Invented High Fashion, Fine Food, Chic Cavés, Style, Sophistication, and Glamour, Joan DeJean.

Currently Reading: Mysteries of the Middle Ages: The Rise of Feminism, Science, and Art from the Cults of Catholic Europe, Thomas Cahill.


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