austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

I tried to warn you somehow

If there's one thing you can say about these times it's that they're unsettled. This is comforting because if you think about all the other unsettled times and how they turned out the simple number of them will force you to go lie down, and the nap would probably do good things for you. But we also need things to comfort us when we haven't got the chance to go napping and therefore why not consider insurance? It's easy to get fire insurance, in case you have a fire, or travel insurance, in case you have to travel, or loud insurance, in case you have to be loud, but what about insuring against rarer but not technically impossible events? Kindly consider these options.

Spoiler Insurance. Irritated by people who insist on telling you key plot points or winners in movies, sporting events, TV shows, and game shows you haven't got around to yet? Those covered with this policy can enjoy complete spoiler protection: in the event they do get something spoiled, a crack team of producers, writers, actors, and computer-generated images will rapidly produce a revised version which makes the spoiler irrelevant. The charge increases with the age of the source material so don't leave things sitting unwatched on the Tivo for years, please. You can't imagine how hard it is to break into the houses of everyone who's bought the program on DVD and replace their copies.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Insurance. What if someday you do find it's not necessary to wash your hands before handling each separate ingredient in a recipe, rather than just after the raw chicken or the exploding cocoa-vanilla goo? You can get back to being fully neurotic and maybe even toss in the suspicion you're always wearing earphones on the wrong ears. Automatic payment schemes are available but hardly necessary.

Name Insurance. Is it just too hard to remember the names of the people you've met? For some of us it is. There are many people whose name you will never know, much less remember. When you run into one of these people let us simply redub those people's names to something easy to remember, like ``Bill'' or ``Aaron'' or ``Linda'' so that once you learn a couple of names you've got them all. The range of names is customizable. Please be aware of potential conflicts with other people in your social circles who have the same service. Also you may occasionally have to be known as ``Dorothy''.

Photosynthesis Insurance. What would you do if you woke up one morning and found yourself with a greenish tinge and a compulsive urge to be in the sunlight converting carbon dioxide, water, and sunlight into sugars? Would you know where to start? Would you have enough sunlight? Carbon dioxide you can get anywhere, particularly with the relief programs many municipalities offer, but we can help you set up with information and guidance in your new lifestyle. Payment accepted in cash, sugar, or syrup.

Socks. They're Nature's own Insurance.

Strange Space Abduction Insurance. How prepared are you in the event your home suddenly finds itself in deep space, isolated, with nothing but the current contents of your kitchen and pantry endlessly replicated for food and drink by aliens conducting an experiment of dubious purpose? Would you continue to have a healthy diet? Would you have enough things to keep you entertained? Would you have your windows closed snugly enough that all the air doesn't leak out? While there's no telling when this might happen to anyone proper insurance can make sure that there's a comforting document hidden in that drawer you never look at as you drift past Jupiter. Don't take in the magnetic field.

Bird Insurance. It's a natural part of life to be stared at by birds, but when they start pointing at you, whispering to their companions, and writing down notes on clipboards there's clearly something suspicious going on and you probably don't want any part of it. When called upon this insurance scheme sees to it the birds are distracted by shiny things, miniature doughnuts, or more interesting people and you resume being happily secretly monitored by deer.

Trivia: One of Johannes Kepler's grandfathers was a burgomeister. Source: Measuring The Universe: The Historical Question To Quantify Space, Kitty Ferguson.

Currently Reading: Indian Wars, Robert M Utley, Wilcomb E Washburn.

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