austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

God save Donald Duck, vaudeville, and variety.

Visitors to our fair city (it's actually partly cloudy, but you argue with the Chamber of Commerce and Weather) may wish to enjoy some of our fine infrastructure-themed projects, particularly if they hope to leave. Failure to use at least six of them is punishable by having one's satellite navigation system direct one back and forth until the spy satellites catch you picking your nose, so you may as well accept one embarrassment or the other.

County Roads 520 through 529: these roads combine a rare blend of being sometimes nearly two lanes wide, speed limits high enough that going over a hill makes it feel the car might be flying, giving a perfect chance to deploy the paraglider and try cruising to Squankum Road Airport if you'd thought to bring it along and if the airport had not been replaced in 2004 with people flying kites and muttering how much better it used to be around here, and sudden changes in direction identified by road signs hidden behind historically significant trees. You may think you know what to do with arrows pointing up and to the right, but what about down and leftwards? How about spinning around until you are hypnotized? After parking you will step out of the car and cluck like a chicken, unless you like ducks better. The intersection where 528, 520A, and 529 cross, cross back, and merge with 524 to form 524 Commercial is particularly choice, and there are vehicles trying to penetrate the intersection since the days of the Philippine Insurrection, when the streets were laid out by cows, who are also still there.

The Tappan Zee Bridge: no, not the famous Tappan Zee Bridge. While the water may not look like much, it was certainly worth putting a bridge in which improved the skyline and photographs around dusk. The bridge commemorates the long history of taking people out onto the bridge, and then tapping them into the sea. So does the famous one, but it was a different sea and different people, and maybe even different tapping too. There is no toll, but life preservers are recommended.

Chicken Road: once part of downtown, then uptown when it refused to participate in the Big Step Down of 1954, and briefly a pedestrian plaza until it was noticed nobody put up ``NO CARS ALLOWED'' signs and a lot of fleeing ensued, this is now the only important part of town with abundant parking meters. The world-famous Tromell Clinic For The Crippling Fear Of Forgetting To Put Change In The Parking Meter is on this road, which shows the people on the zoning commission are sick, sick, sick.

David Road: this boulevard (trying to sound humble but not so humble as a 'Street') provides a natural gathering place for the suspiciously many people you know named David to congregate. Once gathered they can discuss current David-related conspiracies, and assign each other exciting alternate names such as 'Jeffrey' or 'Henry' or 'Geoffrey'. Persons named 'Dave' are allowed as far south as 27th Street and must thereafter take a horse-drawn train car, which last ran in 1872, so there is a queue and bringing reading matter is recommended. Persons named 'Daffyd' are looked at warily and told to knock it off. 'Davey's are considered a great topic to argue about. Ray Davies is another great topic to have other arguments about. Entree prices in the $10-20 range; reservations not needed except at peak days.

Mystery Lane: This street (trying to look like a boulevard) stands out among mystery roads when road parked on it will appear to roll downhill. This illusion, thanks to the convergence of magnetic lines, gravitational lines, sight lines, and teams of locals pushing things when they are not suspected, allows for dozens of cars each year to be grabbed and hidden away. If the effect could be extended to other vehicles, the need to tow broken cars could become a thing of the past and present and that part of the future up until its extension is put together.

It would be silly to cluck like a cow, as they have a silly accent in 'chicken'.

Trivia: Skylab 4/3 astronaut Edward Gibson found once after drifting inadvertently away from his work station it took him twenty minutes to float to the opposite wall. (Ordinarily, astronauts caught in the middle of the station asked another astronaut to give him a shove.) Source: A House In Space, Henry S F Cooper Jr.

Currently Reading: Hello, Everybody! The Dawn of American Radio, Anthony Rudel.

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