austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Trust me, you know you've got to trust me, cause if you don't you must be

``You know the convenient thing about the 32-ounce size?''

``It's not so intimidating as the 40-ounce size?''

``And you aren't paying one penny more for the freedom from intimidation.''

``It seems to me that it also has the advantage of being twelve ounces more than the 20-ounce size.''

``I wouldn't go that far. What if we didn't make a 20-ounce size?''

``Then you wouldn't have any way of getting the 40-ounce size except buying the 40 ounces.''

``You haven't anyway: there is no 40-ounce size. If you want 40 ounces you'll just have to make do.''

``Maybe for now I can avoid wanting 40 ounces.''

``The other grand thing about the 32-ounce size is that it's over 32 ounces more than the zero-ounce size.''

``That's a size you can't really have too much of.''

``And at zero ounces they fly off the shelves. We need to ballast them against even slight breezes. We tried surrounding them with a fine mesh, but that created a fine mesh --- that should be fine mess --- that even got into the News of the Mildly Interesting but Not Excessively Weird. Too many people mistook them for a bee enclosure.''

``Apiary.''

``No, more Reuters-ish.''

``What would I make do if I wanted 40 ounces?''

``Use two 32-ounces and an empty seven-ounce bottle. It's a traditional puzzle, dating back to the Mayans, who never figured it out because they didn't know what an ounce was.''

``You can't get to 40 ounces from two 32-ounces and taking away seven ounces at a time. You get to 50 ounces instead.''

``How can you get 50 ounces if you don't have 40 ounces first?''

``You come from the other direction.''

``It's a six-ounce bottle you need.''

``Belatedly speaking, what is it 32 ounces of?''

``Are you wondering what comes out of it or what goes into it?''

``Let's start with what goes in and see where that get us.''

``It gets us into the 32-ounce size.''

``Only if we're ingredients. We're not unless it turns out the bottles are inside-out and we don't suspect it because it's only revealed in the episode's last minute.''

``No, if we were ingredients we'd have heard something along the lines of `let us out' or maybe `we're not ingredients'.''

``So we're not ingredients?''

``Well now you've said that so it might turn out we were all along. Thanks for messing up a good bit of confusion.''

``I'm sorry.''

``I'd hope so.''

``What got the Mayan worried about forty ounces?''

``They liked things in twenties. In retrospect, the 20-ounce size could have been a great seller to Mayans of the seventh century. Have you ever felt better for knowing what the ingredients of something were?''

``There are times I've felt growing appreciation for whatever is meant by 'sorbitol'.''

``And have you ever liked what you knew about what went into something?''

``No, but it's left me awake all night, steadily unsettled.''

``That sort of feeling you can't put a price on, unless you count student loans.''

``You can do it with seven ounces. Start with three 32-ounces and take seven ounces out eight times over.''

``You get there faster with eight ounces seven times over.''

``But it's so much more scenic in the local lanes.''

``It's mature to restrain yourself from wanting the 40-ounce size.''

``We all have our difficulties to overcome.''

``The 32-ounce size would be a 40-ounce size, if it came with eight ounces free.''

``If the eight ounces were free they wouldn't come with anything. They'd have to be bottled and rigidly constrained relative to the 32 ounces.''

``They might associate of their own free will.''

``Is the 32-ounce size larger than a breadbox? If not, is it bigger than a bread loaf?''

``No, but I realize I don't know what a loaf of bread weighs. I just thought of it as weighing one loaf, slightly less for denser loaves.''

``Then we've expanded the boundaries of your ignorance?''

``Yes, but marginally.''

``Delighted to be of service. Don't worry. This is covered your normal monthly charge.''

``Thank you; come again.''

Trivia: Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol, pleasant-tasting but low-calorie and not a cause of tooth decay; it also serves to keep moisturizers moist, or as a thickener for shampoo or conditioner. Source: Twinkie, Deconstructed, Steve Ettlinger.

Currently Reading: The Playful Crowd: Pleasure Places In The 20th Century, Gary Cross, John K Walton. Oh, Britain. So a group was trying to push for building a Disneyland at Blackpool (in the early 60s), but was getting nowhere talking Disney into showing interest in participating. So they went through the plans and replaced all mention of 'Disneyland' with the placeholder 'Themeland'. It wasn't built, which is a real loss, as wouldn't it be perfect to be able to take the kids to Themeland Park?

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