austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

What will you do when the label comes off, and the plastic's all melted, and the chrome is too soft

These are the notes to your slideshow. You thought while writing you wouldn't need notes what with your writing these slides and your being a nearly competent person able to read the slides. That shows you what you know. After years of giving this talk you've learned you aren't going to remember your name if it isn't in the notes. Ignore the next sentence if your name is not ``Dave''. Your name is ``Dave''.

This talk should take 45 minutes, never mind what it gives back, and will feel like it takes 80 minutes to you. Your audience will agree. So will the clock, the dirty fink. You won't have time for questions, and barely time for lunch. This will inspire people to ask questions you never imagined anyone asking before. Tell them the capital of Montana is 'M', which should confuse the issue enough to let you sneak away under cover of early-afternoon mild crankiness.

This is the slide with multiple ``bullet points'' meant to be revealed dramatically to the beats of your talk. You're pretty sure the next point is revealed by pressing the ``Page Down'' key, although this turns out to reveal them all at once. You can hit ``up'' a couple times and get back to slide 14, which you had omitted for clarity. By the time you get back you'll try getting each bullet point by hitting ``Page Down'' again. Make a mental note that you did it wrong this time and should have used the space bar.

Apologize for the font in this slide. You probably had little to do with it. There's probably someone in the audience with strong feelings about this font, who will appreciate being riled up by your reference to it as a ``font'' rather than a ``typeface''. This may make him start a detailed, ten-minute explanation of everything wrong with it, starting with its handling of the lowercase `g', which will give all his co-workers something to mock him for over lunch for weeks to come. If he insists on having someone particular held responsible attribute the typeface, or font, to Dave. (DAVE: Disregard previous sentence.)

This slide contains the baffling ``25 watt'' and ``100 watt'' light bulb metaphor. There was a time, probably some impossible hour such as 9:37, when this metaphor meant anything to you. Now the best you can figure is that a 100 watt light bulb is brighter than the 25 watt, which seems like it doesn't need more detailed explanation, which is probably why you left such a useless note for this slide. Clearly you are expressing hostility toward yourself and trying to make yourself look like a fool with notes like these.

By the time this slide rolls around you have firmly committed the idea of ``space bar'' for the bullet points and ``did it wrong'' from the experience, so next time you'll be confident in your knowledge the space bar was the wrong thing to do and you should have used ``Page Down'' instead.

This slide contains the short video which will make the compelling case for completing the Muddled Squankum project. You were supposed to present the compelling case for completing the Lesser Pompous Lakes project. The most graceful approach is to pass out, earning sympathy and the care of people for the three minutes it takes to recover. This is why the video length is three minutes and twenty seconds. It crashed twelve seconds in. Thank the persons who return you to consciousness although you can't imagine why.

You know, the 100 watt bulb will not be brighter than the 25 watt if it is off, or if both are off. Or if both are broken. Maybe this is why there's the slide showing nothing but a broken bulb.

This is the last slide, which is why it shows that Apollo picture of the whole Earth. It may not add much to the report but it looks sufficiently inspirational or concluding-ish that it can go at either end of a talk. If it was also included in the start talk to Dave. NOTE: the picture is actually only the nearer half the Earth.

Trivia: In its first season the Weather Channel lost more than ten million dollars. Source: Flash Of Genius And other True Stories Of Invention, John Seabrook.

Currently Reading: The Crisis Of The Old Order, Arthur M Schlesinger, Jr.

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