austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Why don't we drive in the rain

Good evening, or otherwise, and I thank you for your bewildering choice to have me speak about distracted driving. I may not have traditional or any expertise but probably I can share something of enough value to keep your sergeants-at-arms from applying their pointy sticks. I realize, gazing over your stunned faces, I have never been confident in my ability to spell sergeant, but I'm fairly good in the ``at'' part.

Many people are kinds of drivers, and nearly as many are vice-versa. If you are, or you know someone who is you, perhaps both of you may choose who's to be vice and who's to be versa, noting always the vice party is entitled to the hyphen unless that's supposed to just be a dash. Ties go to the runner, which is why we don't dress up as much as we used to.

It is almost impossible to drive distractedly without a vehicle, although this was managed by Swamp Meadow's Corner resident Susan Barometer last October when she left the dashboard satellite mime system running. As penalty she was required to turn her vehicle over to the county sheriff for two days of mocking, and while her mime lost four pounds it was all water weight. The lesson is if the car you do not have is to be temporarily confiscated please make certain it is a boring enough model the sheriff's mocking team cannot concentrate on it long enough to think of any paint-scarring jokes.

Most distracted driving starts with not paying attention to the road. This is probably fair since the road pays so little attention to you. For an inattentive example, on which side of the road do you drive? The expected answer is the outside, unless you are driving through a tunnel, in which case you want the inside, or the outside of the inside, unless again you are driving somewhere the force of gravity has gone terribly wrong, when you need to cling to an outer edge for dear life. Also, while driving on the outside (inside) you will want to be inside your vehicle, unless you are borrowing a friend's car.

Any skilled topologist can tell us the inside and the outside of your vehicle are actually the same place, whether or not you ask or listen. And just when we've got stuck wondering how we can tell a skilled from an unskilled topologist, the topologist adds that so are the inside and outside of your road. To compensate for this most jurisdictions mandate that each topology course one takes adds two points to one's driver's license, and those who earn an advanced degree have their cars trussed up and placed atop the dean's building.

But, wait, I hear a sergeant-at-pointy-sticks wondering, are there never times when it is acceptable to be distracted from the road? There's when you're not the driver, that's a hot one, or when you are the road, as distraction then is seen as your not being too self-absorbed. If you --- please stop poking --- you are not the road, who is? It is Daniel Easement of Belated Pines (Boro, not Township). Further, if you both are and are not the road you are probably in trouble from the logicians and the topologists will be none too satisfied either.

Another acceptable distraction is wondering why the Orville Reddenbacher corporation is being difficult. I --- ow --- imagine everyone has noticed microwave popcorn nutrition labels say a serving is two tablespoons unpopped, as eaten by sparrows, but this makes five cups of popped corn. Also it says a serving is --- ow --- one cup, and there are 2.5 servings per bag. This leaves 2.5 cups of popped corn unaccounted for each bag. Sorting this out is a good chance to hit another car, and you could use the un-servable popcorn to absorb whatever leaks from the wrecks. This requires in-car microwave ovens.

So the leading cause of acceptable accidents must be the Orville Reddenbacher corporation's confusing nutrition labels and ow hope I have confused enough to satisfy your anticipations about my talking. Thank you and, I suppose, that will have to do.

Trivia: On its formation in July 1897 stock in Marconi's Wireless Telegraph and Signal Corporation was valued at £ 1 per share. Within six months it had tripled. Source: Thunderstruck, Erik Larson.

Currently Reading: The Fallen Colossus: The Great Crash Of The Penn Central, Robert Sobel.


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