austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown

Is your dishwasher not draining properly? By properly we mean is it taking all the water put into it and sending that out again. We aren't concerned with how stylishly it drains, or whether it's complying with state and local regulations, although that might be important eventually. By eventually we mean after the subpoenas are issued. By issued we mean to you. By you we mean not necessarily you; it could be someone like you, say, a friend or sibling.

The first question is whether your dishwasher is some kind of machine, such as a dishwasher, or is the old-fashioned kind that's a person or maybe a team of enthusiastic terriers licking the plates clean. Handling of non-draining in people is different and kind of disgusting, while handling non-draining in terriers is different in the same way and kind of disgusting. We'll be content handing the machine-type dishwasher that isn't draining, although we'd be happier with a machine-type dishwasher that is draining, as that's easier to fix.

Most people accept as proof that a dishwasher isn't draining just there being water inside it after the end of the dishwashing cycle. This isn't logically sound. How do we know the dishwasher isn't draining perfectly,then then pulling in water from another source, such as elves? Do you think the dishwasher lacks motive to do that? That just shows you don't know dishwasher are the class clowns of the consumer appliance world.

As a group they leap eagerly into all kinds of pranks on humans around them. Famous dishwasher pranks include that Ziggy mug you don't remember buying and keep thinking you threw out last time you moved; granite countertops; that horse in the bathroom (it knows); the plastic bags full of frost using up a third of the freezer space; and ``Fuji'' apples. Misleading you about the flow of water would be nothing. Still I bet you'll suppose the dishwasher isn't draining rather than properly test, using tracer radio-isotopes, the water flow. You probably won't even feel guilty, which in the dishwashers' eyes just make you deserving of pranks. (Note: dishwashers don't have eyes.)

Pretending the problem is draining, we ask: why isn't it draining? The leading cause is your being in a space station which, in microgravity, has no method besides feelings of obligation to forcing water into drainpipes. You don't think you're on a space station? Have you checked? In winter months it's easy to forget to go outside, and with a comfortable warm house and a dishwasher to clean your plates you can end up not going outside for so long you forget going outside would nearly instantly kill you. Look around for signs of being in a space station, like an international team of floating scientists swinging their arms in and out to spin at different speeds.

If you're back on Earth and the dishwasher still isn't draining, try letting it be for a few days and see if it gets tired of misbehaving. Sometimes the dishwasher realizes its pranks aren't amusing anymore and it will do better. If need be, remember the problem of proving that the water actually is not-drained rather than pulled in mischievously. That should be good for a couple days of ignoring the problem without any unsightly guilt buildups.

With the days passed and the draining still not being done and the plates getting down to the pretty lousy set you thought you'd given away two moves ago and that Ziggy mug you could swear you'd thrown against the wall and shattered into thousands of pieces as a sort of abstract yet incomprehensible artistic statement the pressure's going to be overwhelming to fix the dishwasher. Most repair guides say to take the dishwasher apart, then put it back together, leaving the undrained water out, and see how that works.

This just rewards the dishwasher with attention for its prankish ways. What you should do is put back the water, getting rid of the dishwasher, and that will teach a lesson to your remaining appliances about acceptable behavior. If you need a mechanical dishwasher you can get some robotic terrier puppies for licking duties.

Trivia: The cartoon Knock Knock, Woody Woodpecker's debut, was made at a cost of about $8,500. Source: The Walter Lantz Story, Joe Adamson.

Currently Reading: Year's Best SF 13, Editors David G Hartwell, Kathryn Cramer.


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