austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

That's all that I need you for

I don't follow many dopey-criminal stories. There's only a couple ways a naked burglar can get caught trying to squeeze through small windows before you've got the scenario figured out. They need an extra twist, like being accompanied by a well-dressed Labrador retriever who'll plea to second-degree snorking up the microwaved corned beef hash. Or maybe the naked burglar tried something innovative like breaking into a Commodore 64 without the necessary preliminary steps of shrinking to one-twentieth the natural size of a human being and relocating to 1983. But with most not making that kind of effort --- last month a team tried breaking into an Atari Lynx, for crying out loud --- I let most of them go without giving my specific attention. The police appreciate my non-involvement, but the lazy human-interest features editor is annoyed with me.

Still, the lazy human-interest features editor gets some breaks, like one from last weekend. If you believe the newspapers, GlaxoSmithKline intends to reformulate Ultra Fresh Poligrip to eliminate its zinc content. More, a fellow named Anthony Williams allegedly walked into the Trenton (relatively New Jersey) police headquarters, entered a detective bureau office, and swiped a police radio, a computer monitor, and a sergeant's attache case. I imagine the story has to be true since if you were to make up a story about stealing stuff from police headquarters would use a name like ``Anthony Williams'' for it? Maybe you would; I've never understood how your mind operates.

Anyway, Williams was arrested later that night trying to sell the radio to customers at a Taco Bell drive-through. This is the first real mistake after not using a more interesting name somehow. Stolen police radios command much higher prices at the Wendy's drive-through windows, even on Sunday nights. Also, allegedly, he talked some on the radio, which the Associated Press claims ``helped police realize the device was missing''. This I'm suspicious about, since if their radio was stolen how did the police overhear him?

Clearly what they must have heard was someone was saying something interesting on the radio, and they went to the radio, and didn't find it there, which is when they drove to the Wendy's. Finding nobody there, they would naturally try to tune in on their attache case, and lead them to Taco Bell, thanks to Taco Bell's All The Taco Fixings You Can Fit In An Attache Case For 79 Cents deal. From there it would be luck that they looked in the drive-through lane, since the All You Can Fit is an in-store promotion only. I don't know if Williams also talked on the attache case.

This is the sort of crime leaving nobody looking good. If I were the police I'd be too embarrassed to go after the thief. It may have been after midnight --- isn't it always? --- but they still look bad not noticing the guy taking a radio, monitor, and attache out of headquarters. And arresting someone just gives him credibility as a thief. If they had gone straight into the Taco Bell and loaded up an attache case with fixings they could have passed the story that nobody was robbed. If someone suspected he was a burglar --- say, he'd tried to break into the Taco Bell by drive-through window and gotten stuck --- they could have accused him of forging police-type attache cases and arrested him on that instead.

I wonder if something like that didn't happen at that, since he is doesn't quite fit an incompetent-criminal story considering he apparently got the stuff successfully stolen. Maybe he found the attache case fencing business in the Taco Bell drive-through lane after midnight Sunday wasn't much, and he tried to get stuck in the window, and then strip. Wouldn't that make him fit for an incompetent-criminal story, even if he hadn't even got to the naked part? I hope there'll be a follow-up explaining if he was dedicated enough to make that effort, but they probably won't ask that logical question. They'll report some new incompetent criminal who got stuck trying to crack open a Coleco Adam. Pity.

Trivia: Only two thousand non-German athletes and spectators came to Garmisch-Partenkirchen for the 1936 Winter Olympics. Source: Encyclopedia of the Modern Olympic Movement, Editors John E Findling, Kimberly D Pelle.

Currently Reading: Emperors Of The Twilight, S Andrew Swann.


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