austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

You'd better get started, now's the time

Good morning and thank you both for coming to our presentation --- the three of you --- on changing your banking needs supplier to the OTPM Bank of ... Banking. I ... thought we were scheduled for next month. And an hour later. And in the Feemster Conference Room instead. With someone else as me. We were surprised and I don't usually ... and couldn't find my notes so I'm using ... whose? Jack? Did you meet my associate Eric? He's ... no, don't talk with him, that's not what the presentation says he's here for.

Mm? The notes say because federal banking regulations specify we need an Eric to supervise. I think it's federal. Maybe it's state. It might be Canadian, we know people bank in Canada. No, Eric isn't from the bank. We got him from the Battle of Eric Supervisors.

Not Battle. Bureau. Why would there be a battle of Eric Supervisors? They're not violet --- not violent --- as a class or between semesters. Don't ask him about it. Bureau. Erics are available at very reasonable rates. They're used throughout the distilling industry. Financial industry. Right. That's here on the slide showing clearly the ... winged horse flying through a waterfall ... in space.

OTM Bank has --- OTPM Bank has --- a proud record of over a hundred years, and when you think how long that takes you appreciate how we have collectively over 75 years, calling for a slide ... showing a closet door sticker warning ``CAUTION''. ``CAUTION'' is, ah, among the words not misspelled in this presentation, though some say it looks like it should be spelled wrong. Or that it had been and wasn't noticed because we weren't showing enough ... Caution. The ... notes say allow time for laughs, but the icy gaze of Eric Supervisor suggests we should maybe move on to the exciting points. Remember that OPM Bank ... OTPM Bank ... brings with it over fifty years and you're welcome to them.

We're pleased to say we can offer a hundred dollars for opening new accounts today, and we'll try to say that before we're through, and with direct deposit we offer ... a ... hundred dollars, I think different ones. Since the minimum hundred dollar balance is ... you can have ... all the money you put in back out, without any loss or convenience. Inconvenience. Oh, no, I don't think you need to broadcast again for attendees ---

You're right, if we had an intercom like that we'd use it all the time too. I never heard an intercom with subwoofers before. Eric doesn't look upset? I don't want to look ... well, we left a deposit, on my card. Yes, that's my card on the slide ... sideways. What a curious thing for Jack's presentation ... probably there's a reason.

Deposit, right, we offer safety deposit boxes in safety deposit vaults you can safely visit ... in safety. And we put something in your safety deposit box interesting enough to keep in it. We can waive the first-year fee, and then the annual fees if you keep the box closed, and we impose just a light fee, gently collected, for opening it. I mean per-open. These are three by-five boxes. I mean three-by-five boxes. No, the little kicking Eric's doing of my foot tells me it's three-by five boxes.

We're proud of the security systems. We have one of the most foolproof ... ah, it's a very spider-based security system. There hasn't been a spider that's gotten out ... hasn't been a spider that's gotten in ... a spider that's gotten through ... I'm confident our spiders have been exactly where they were supposed to be, and isn't that what you want in a bank?

Yes, our spiders are federally insured, and in case of a negative funding ... thing ... making problems ... we can back them up with, as this slide shows ... pictures ... of spiders ... on money ... until consumer confidence is rebuilt.

Yeah, I wondered too. Eric, are you sure it's the new-account presentation and not lazy album cover ... he's gone. I suppose we're through. Thank you all for attending and we can pass out OPM ... OPTM account forms ... we ... don't have.

I wonder if that fellow was actually an ``Eric''.

Trivia: The 1964 Winter Olympics in Innsbruck were preceded by seven weeks without significant snowfall, and began with the mildest first week of February Austria had experienced in nearly sixty years. Source: Encyclopedia of the Modern Olympic Movement, Editors John E Findling, Kimberly D Pelle. (Somebody has got to have tested whether Winter Olympics presage weak winters.)

Currently Reading: Spells Of The City,, Edited by Jean Rabe, Martin H Grenberg.


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