austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Good evening, or otherwise, and let's hope that covers the basics. I'm proud to say that we've made it through another April Fool's Day, and fairly won, and so it's time to review our accomplishments in recent pranks.

First, Jeff deserves special commendation --- you can give him a hand --- no, your gloves aren't hands anyway --- no, I don't care if you swiped someone else's gloves. This is why we can't have nice gloves, that and how they're all spiteful. Anyway Jeff arranged for a speck of dirt to be the nucleus for every drop of rain. This was incredible work, as everyone who heard him yelling into phones knows, and we thank Accounts Refutable for teaching him to yell into the receiver instead of whatever office appliance is nearest him. Yes, we should have moved him next to Accounts Refutable long ago.

But now everyone whose car is rained on ends up with it somehow dustier, and that's wonderful by our standards. The management also admires this utilization of the stock of dust we were left with after the ``portable beach'' stunt two years ago. Also we want everyone to ignore talk of the government investigating us for collusion with the car wash industry. We don't even know anybody in the car wash industry, except --- well, no sense going into that before the subpoenas are issued.

I imagine most everyone's heard, but, Martha Caruso finally learned she'd had the ideas of ``horse'' and ``construction zone'' swapped all thanks to us. Even better, she's not pressing charges, although we have to admit some of that's luck. She's just relieved, she says, her job as a dressage coach ``suddenly makes sense''.

This year we got payoff on setting up ``taupe'' as a color, and plenty of people who tried decorating around ``taupe'' are chuckled at now. Everyone who helped get ``taupe'' thought of as not some hideous yet acceptable-tasting deep sea fish should be proud. Also we can be proud the fringed-gill taupe has overnight become one of the most popular versions of ``cod'', until the stocks collapse from overfishing, sometime next week, which should horrify us. Sorry. In any case we've got some fine flat-lettered bisque we're selling as ``tuna''.

Making invisible geese has been a nearly smashing success. You can barely set foot out of doors these days without hearing geese honking with not the slightest goose seen to admit into evidence. It's an impressive performance, and it's made foie gras extremely hard to serve. So when you're in the field, dodging the attacks of enraged cooks and waiters and the occasional gander drunk with power, trust that it's worth it for the twitchiness we've inspired in bird-watchers and diners.

Still, we remind the whole Translucent and Transparent Animals Division that there'll need to be a punch line sometime in the next year. Remember the Ginab Bureau's work on slipping the letter 'K' unsuspected into the alphabet. It's fine coming up with a prank invention people use in earnest and that they forget or don't care was a prank, but remember, we can't make money on sincerity. And we're still trying to do something with the losses from that whole ``neutron'' invention. We can't keep slipping the bills into the pockets of old-time radio writer Ernest J Kinoy, because we're pretty sure he died years ago. (He didn't.) We've got to do better.

In retrospect, while we are all impressed with the project to open a video game parlor on the Saturnian moon Mimas, we have to admit the big laugh to that project has been elusive. It isn't as bad as the ``clipper ships'' mistake, but, give it time.

Now, we really lost some of our industry-leading status with the BBC revealing its --- er --- what's that back there? Officers? Oh, yes, actually, we were talking about that with Jeff just a few minutes --- hold on, there's no need for handcuffs. Besides we all know Jeff didn't collude --- what? Jeff, you did? Got us in for how many counts? --- oh, that is a good one on us, Jeff, that's a good laugh ... oh, we'll get you somehow. Watch for invisible geese.

Trivia: In 1953, $14 million of IBM's earnings came from electronic machines. The rest of its $497 million came from punch card systems, punch cards, computing services (mostly batch processing), and time recorders. Source: The Maverick And His Machine, Kevin Maney.

Currently Reading: Why We Buy: The Science Of Shopping, Paco Underhill.


  • But it is looming large

    I'm liking this low-key air on my humor blog, made possible by having the big pieces be MiSTings I wrote years ago. I'm continuing that. I don't…

  • I wish I had known

    My humor blog is bookended by another couple MiSTings, and filled by a punch of Popeye cartoons from the 60s. I hope you enjoy! MiSTed:…

  • And he said here's the bill

    It's a Thursday, or it was up to ten minutes ago, so here, let's see what my humor blog had recently: MiSTed: Brad Guth's _Venus for…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.