austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

It's the little things that make a house a home

Housing opportunities in the Middle Pompous Lakes Region:

Little Rhode Island Mews: When constructed this was one of the most fashionable neighborhoods to live in, or to say you lived in despite being a couple blocks past the generously-defined limits. Honesty and the consent decree compel us to admit at one time it was also fashionable to dress in whalebone corsets despite not being whales in need of slender appearances, to put children in coal mines as replacements for structural support removed coal gave, or to dress as though it were the 1970s merely because it was the 1970s. These were different times for each of those trends, although there was some overlap where it's hard to read.

Blumfled Gardens: Cubist apartments never got very popular, as decorators disliked guessing how many spatial dimensions the residence had. Plus everyone thinks it's impossible to move a sofa up the stairs. But this is unfair; it's not possible even in buildings which obey clearly defined laws of perspective to move a sofa upstairs, particularly if it's one with a fold-out uncomfortable bed. Blumfled Gardens solves the sofa-moving-upstairs problem by putting the entrance on the roof. Be advised the lowest floors are filled with abandoned sofas of long-departed residents. They're mostly not dead and the stairs mostly aren't to blame.

Overlooked Bluffs: New construction, one owner, odometer under 25,000 miles. Greenbelt of maybe dozens of hectares except nobody knows what a hectare is. Our best theory is it measures the burning heat transferred from a liquid into your fingers when you pick up a coffee cup, even if the liquid's Sprite Zero just taken out of the fridge. Good place to raise children, given the topsoil's rich natural phosphates and lack of a depleted aquifer.

Gulped Stadium: (Two, then three, syllables please). Subbasement apartments are dreams for sports fans and offer breathtaking views of those support things, we want to say they're called piles, but that sounds like a pretty juvenile joke. Free convenient reminders of what country one lives in through playing the national anthem. To avoid confusion be away from home when foreign teams visit. (No terrorists please.)

Atlantis Genomes Reboot: A better-than-average local bluegrass-with-techno-flourishes band composed of a few kids out of college not quite long enough to feel weird they still live two blocks from the student center and argue with every campus web forum detractor after frat party concerts. You can buy their first CD, Atlantis Genomes Reboot 2, from the card stand they set outside the College Street bus stop. The lyrics are what you'd expect from people who'd number their debut album like that. They are on this list by mistake.

Dennis: This area features a well-ranked elementary school and a middle school with a better-than-average dragon painted on the gymnasium front. A library branch and a small, independent computer repair store that nobody has ever seen open for business but that keeps changing the window displays every couple of months are near the center. Short walking distance of multiple parking lots. Housing not included. (Two bathroom minimum.)

Puddled Basalt: Most people looking at this picture, omitted for clarity, would think it's of the renowned Wasatch Mountain Range in Montana. Little would they suspect it's actually a three-floor, twelve-unit apartment building outside Albany, New York. Now that you know it, don't you feel smarter than them? You feel even smarter if you know the Wasatch Range is in Utah, which is not technically part of Montana. None of these places are anywhere near the Middle Pompous Lakes metropolitan area but we quite like the picture. The mountains are conveniently near the Latham Circle Mall, for which we apologize.

Broomich Avenue: Smallish 1940s construction with statistically significantly fewer things pointed at and snickered over by the housing inspectors than similar neighborhoods in other municipalities. The First Annual Block Party is held every fourteen months, because they're trying to annoy Ruth Lake, who is too easily baited in this sort of thing. She also has strong feelings about express checkout lanes for ``10 Items Or Less''. You'll see her coming.

Trivia: Homes in the factory-utopian town of Hershey, Pennsylvania, on construction were prohibited from using the property for ``offensive purpose or occupation'', expressly forbidding piggeries, blacksmiths, and saloons; and building a fence required Milton Hershey's approval. Source: Hershey: Milton S Hershey's Extraordinary Life Of Wealth, Empire, and Utopian Dreams, Michael D'Antonio.

Currently Reading: Tea: Addiction, Exploitation, and Empire, Roy Moxham.

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