austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Oh, I'm dreaming of the afternoon

First I'd like to congratulate all the survivors of this year's company picnic. We knew in planning we'd have an exhausting Sunday, and wondered if it'd slow the start of the workweek. We're glad seeing everyone who isn't in the hospital here bright and early this ... Thursday ... afternoon. It's showed a real team dedication. DON'T HIT! ... Sorry, it looked like Betty was going to charge.

I appreciate the turnout for planning next year's picnic. You're showing a family spirit and willingness to keep your job or else. It can be hard, but there's always the chance to exceed expectations. After last year's picnic we figured we'd be doing better if we had fewer than five people devoured by giant caterpillars, and, we know better now. But if we learn our lessons ... yes, we said that last year too.

We made errors in not reading fine print. For example, we figured the ``funny jugglers'' threw things in the air and had them come back down in comical ways. We never imagined there were satirical jugglers or sarcastic jugglers, nor that they would turn these rhetorical juggle tools on the audience. We're very sorry, and if we'd known they would make the seven-to-nine year olds cry so much we'd have had them supervised.

Regarding the firewalking, I suppose everybody has to get their ``I told you so''s in. Long story short, the company is now in favor of requiring firewalking instructors to be licensed. And the State Department of Explosive Thingies What Go Boom say they'd never known that there were ... the term was ... hypergolic clothing? Where they burn even without the match ... they figured that only happened with 70s clothes. No, Rob, we don't get a prize for that.

It's always going to be at least a bit controversial to have trained animals performing. Still, we can agree now that untrained animals were a mistake.

The Hokey-Pokey could probably have been planned better. If Mark hadn't accidentally sung to take your right hands ``off'' rather than ``out'' we probably wouldn't have learned how many of the staff were androids, would we? That was probably worth thinking something about ... oh, if anyone is still missing hands or feet, we've got extras, check the lost-and-found bin, please.

The real error with the potato sack race was we didn't scout out the trail adequately, so we didn't suspect the insect life that would be annoyed at our bounding through it and dropping potatoes everywhere. That's, well, there always seems like something more important than to check how a potato sack will affect the wildlife, doesn't it?

Anyway, I bet none of you had ever heard of Mongolian Bees before this so now you're ... better-informed than ... anyone who never thought about that kind of bee. And, really, think of the ... the stories your kids are going to be able to tell, about how they were ther when we first saw ... bees hard riding their fast-moving horses in highly organized cavalry raids ... well, it's going to reshape the whole of society, isn't it? Plus those hordes of deep, multitonal throat-singing bees, that's ... that's just one of those things which doesn't fade from memory anytime soon.

As regarding the volcano, I'd like to point out the Geodetic Survey office was also under the impression it was extinct, and they reported that it had not erupted in recorded history except for that time in May. Also February, January, late November, mid-October, September, the Other September, and August. So I don't think we can be blamed for the eruption, even if it did ruin the infield and force the game to be stopped in the sixth inning. Some good news there, by the way, we've checked the books and Natalie's best judgement is the molten lava is an appealable play, so, depending how the umpire rules when we resume, we might still have the seventeen-hitter going.

Oh, now, what ... those sirens are always going off, aren't they? Let's wrap this up but, remember, we need people to organize the Labor Day picnic and you'll need at least a class-six excuse to get out of it.

Trivia: Captain William T Sherman's trip in 1846-47 from the East Coast of the United States to California (around Cape Horn) required 196 days. His trip back in 1850 (through Panama) required 30. Source: The Age Of Gold, H W Brands.

Currently Reading: Wondrous Contrivances: Technology At The Threshold, Merritt Ierley.


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