austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch

[ Sorry to be late; Rifftrax Live and then urgent text-messaging with my brother ate up shockingly much of my time tonight. ]

I would like to thank everyone for participating in the pre-post-Halloween party potluck lunch, like it or not, and shall be doing so in alphabetical order. Before showing off how I forgot alphabetical order between about ``H'' and ``R'' and feel pretty sure that ``J'' fits in there maybe three or four times, we should applaud the spooky cobweb decorations set up by our summer interns. We had a wonderful experience giving them experience and it's a shame we always do Halloween since hearing it was late October they got insistent about going home, and some of them secured court orders. We'll be taking suggestions for holiday names that don't give away the season. You can enter them into the Mystery Box Of Joyful Wonder, formerly the Suggestion Box, on the fourth floor, formerly the Unhappily Sighing People Floor.

None of these potlucks would be the same without Wendy's renowned hand-made beef sausages, and this one is the same, apart from the fleeing interns. However, the Rules Committee found that this year Wendy made the beef from pre-assembled cows, making them the less impressive. She has been assessed a fifteen-yard penalty and thus moved her desk just outside the south window. As she remains on the fifth floor this suggests when we return from lunch she will plummet to her injury or possible death and her computer monitor will likely be damaged. Personally I note that corporate policy allows for slow chewing in this circumstance.

Rick is to be thanked for supervising the ten people who brought plastic cutlery in and carefully screening out all the spoons, because that is easier than talking with him long enough to understand his motives. Undoubtedly the full story will be unsuitable for the corporate newsletter, in case anyone starts that up again.

After being taken by surprise this morning after yesterday's, last week's, the week before last's, and last month's planning meetings for the potluck Nigel returned strong with his Vending Machine Salad Dish. We admire the mix of Skittles, brandless pretzels, loose change, and thread remnants fished out of dress shirt pockets. We will not be eating this because we are not idiots; we just admire his hurried and slapdash efforts and want to let Wendy know who to target before she departs.

People with allergies, please be careful as Jenna has been a facility for handling peanuts or peanut-related by-products, such as butter, peanut jelly, and peanut cola. Also be careful since the soda contains high levels of cat dander because the soda people were feeling mean-spirited that week. Those without allergies should know you are entitled to one for every year you have been with us up to eight years, after which you are to be assessed a fifteen-yard penalty.

Elliot was kind enough to bring in Mrs Seiderman's plate of brownies and peanut butter cookies. We thank him and promise not to tell Mrs Seiderman who it was. We also appreciate how he donated his lunch of a third of a grilled tuna-and-peanut-butter sandwich, the fact of which establishes no less than five things wrong with him. Mrs Seiderman could not be with us today owing to her having an excuse.

We appreciate also how everyone in the Networking Distortions department chose to bring in paper plates. We now have enough for the completion of the long-awaited plan to completely wall in Accounts Re-Glistenable as of forty minutes ago. It would be impenetrable if only they had not brought in their dragee-covered catapults. Next time, we keep the catapults in the conference room.

Also in hindsight we probably shouldn't have scheduled Annual Rug-Cleaning Day for the luncheon, but we thought we'd learned that lesson last year, the year before, the year before that, and two years before that. We did learn it four years ago and we will be investigating just what went wrong since then. Still, if everyone who's finished eating could grab a mop and bucket we'll have the rugs mopped clean in no time, and the sound of squishing feet should help us catch any further escaping interns.

Trivia: Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon, showed the results of the Petersberg paradox were that typical winnings would be around five shillings per game. An expected win of 10 shillings per game would require 13 years of play. Source: Randomness, Deborah J Bennett.

Currently Reading: A Monarchy Transformed: Britain 1603 - 1714, Mark Kishlansky.

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