austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Golden living dreams of vision

Just because our lives are ever-more filled with complicated machines breaking is only on reason to despair. Many ordinary home repairs can be carried out by you, or an equivalent person, and you'll feel pretty smart until you realize you're in the wrong house.

Clothes Dryers: usually broken dryers need replacement of the drums' rotating bin bearing. To replace it you have to simultaneously hold the inside and outside of the drum while holding the new bearing from inside and outside the cabinet. Only beings from the fourth or, better, fifth dimension can do this, and are the leading source of dryers. This is why your dryer vanishes for ninety days whenever you trick it into saying its name backwards. That's the best approach, letting you go months without thinking about the broken dryer. Enjoy making your clothes both clean and moist. It could be fashionable.

Escalators: household escalators typically just need re-treading. Stand on the top step while holding at least 450 pounds, overloading the thingy and sliding steps down. Leap clear if it speeds out of control or the weights explode. If you need new steps order from reputable supply companies; check your Local Escalator Phone Book. If your steps insist on being re-treated explain they shouldn't have eaten all their Halloween trick-or-treats, then ignore them until pumpkin pie season gets into swing.

Telephone Poles: they're usually slumping from weakened self-worth in an era when people mostly use cell phones, not even to make calls. Since 2007 the leading cell phone use has been making other people's phones produce obscure ring tones, through new and imaginary services for them to respond to. Assure the pole of its inherent worth, and services like holding up posters for no-longer-missing cats, keeping telephone lines away from the ground where they might attack children or meter readers, or holding failed-Senatorial candidate bumper stickers.

Parapets: you have no parapets unless you count that gecko clinging to your bathroom mirror.

Sense of Reality: this is often endangered by something like noticing a car with out-of-state plates in a sporting goods parking lot. One's forced to explain how this happened, imagining dialogue like, ``All right, we're 227 miles into our cross-country driving tour, but darned it, there's no way we can go a minute longer without getting two-pound ankle weights!''. But there's no way to know without wandering through the store calling, ``Who here's from Rhode Island?'' and interrogating them. They're in the Yoga Collectibles section. Readers in Rhode Island want the West Virginia plates; they're in the Ironic Fishing department, second floor, next to Sweatpant Renormalization. Your ankle weights speculation was correct.

Gravity Plates: can't break as long as the fundamental principles of mathematical logic are operating, which they are except alternate Thursdays from 3 to 5 am for street sweeping and p-Sylow grouping. If you forget to group your p-Sylows don't worry; they can be gathered by proper cosets. What broke is probably the gravity-reality interface. First find the weak spot by waving your hand over and feeling for where gravity becomes 1,000,000,000 times normal. Take that spot and DO NOT POINT IT AT THE SUN, PLEASE, WE HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY. Throw the plate away, as you'll never clean the eggs off.

Words and Mirrors: words, like mirrors, are most often broken by use. Set your words and mirrors away, underneath cardboard and at least 400 pounds of weights, and they should flow back into shape in not under 150 years. Remember every six months to rotate your gerunds. Concave mirrors should be rotated the other direction.

Broken Sticks: cannot be repaired. Return to your dealer and replace it for a new broken stick. The new one should be broken in a different way so you can tell them apart. Sticks are not user-serviceable; users servicing them are not true users but are in truth abusing their stick-servicing privileges, which are renewable at the Department of Stick Services 9:30 am to 4:30 pm, with extra hours one day of the week which is none of your business.

Trivia: The United States Shipping Board, established in 1916, produced 470 vessels for the merchant marine by the time World War I ended; it delivered another 13 hundred hulls between 1918 and 1922. Source: Box Boats: How Container Ships Changed The World, Brian J Cudahy.

Currently Reading: Contested Waters: A Social History Of Swimming Pools In America, Jeff Wiltse.

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