austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

I tried to warn you somehow

The article ``Home Repair, But In Your Home?'' by Jan Obelus two weeks ago reported malfunctioning gravity plates under no circumstances should be pointed at the sun due to the excessive gravity tearing the star apart, crashing the Earth out of its orbit, rending the solar system into unrecognizable calamity and generally destroying all life as we know it. This was an error in editing. Gravity is actually so weak most physicists have determined it doesn't exist and therefore threatens no stars. Even when malfunctioning gravity plates send out gravity in whole rotating buckets, the push amounts to the nudging of those people on the subway who're distracting because they're always apologizing for unnoticed nudging. Malfunctioning gravity plates may be pointed at the sun or any other desired astronomical body, but it still regarded as dirty cheating to use them to confuse hopscotch games.

In Monday's ``Tempest-Tossed Salads'' food ironicist Leon Vinculum was incorrectly named. His parents believe now he's clearly a ``Caroll'' or an ``Alexander''. They regret the error. Leon thinks he's more of a ``Roger'' or perhaps a ``Leon'', but not the same Leon.

As the result of a tactical error during the Revolutions of 1848, Budapest.

Last Thursday's ``Breakfast Works'' reported nutritional analogist Lynn Denominator ``puts her pants on one leg at a time''. This was from an inaccurately edited interview with her imaginary friend Mister Lemniscate, who accurately reported she ``puts her shirts on one leg at a time'', which Mister Lemniscate believes is a plea for help. Help.

Managing Editor Lynda Numerator attempted to learn lip-reading by watching cartoons when she was eight. She feels silly about this now.

Saturday's article ``Blowing A ... w ... a ... y'' reported on the severe winds affecting drivers on the Old Lesser Pompous Lakes Freeway. We have since learned the issue was jackanapes in the Department of Transportation who planted roadside trees at an angle, so they grew up looking like a severe wind was blowing to the east. The trees should have been planted leaning to the west.

We also regret the typographic tricks in the headline but it is hard to make a traffic headline interesting. It did fill out the space without requiring that we think of a verb.

Next Monday's article ``Signs Of Obnoxiousness In Pets'' reports rabbits mostly lift their ears to annoy people sitting behind them at movies. Actually most rabbits today have Netflix accounts and watch movies without waiting for anyone to be behind them. It should have reported guinea pigs, which still enjoy the theater experience, lift their ears thusly. However, guinea pig ears are so tiny no one has yet noticed they're trying to be annoying, which leaves them annoyed. If you hear annoyed wheeps from the guinea pig row pretend you've been annoyed, and spread a rumor of lettuce over by the cedar chip dispenser.

Due to the strategic error of the Revolutions of 1876 failing to happen, Bucharest.

The Tuesday, 16 August, 1946 article ``Go Figure This - On Electrons!'' by Special By Wireless-Telegraphy, reporting how computers might change our understanding of mathematics, speculated that someday people might not be able to tell what eight times seven is. According to Arthur Orthogonal-Metric of the Department of Tedious Puzzles at Flapping Turkey Swamp Community College, no one has ever known what eight times seven is, and it has been believed since the time of Leonardo of Pisa that eight times seven can't equal anything. There are similar results regarding adding seven to anything. This is not to be held against seven, which otherwise does very well at being larger than six yet not so very eight-y.

We are informed that in this context ``blowing'' can be regarded as a verb. We resent the correction.

Today's article ``One Lake, Two Lakes, Three Lakes, Four Lakes'' by Carl Nabla, identifies the lakes along Invoice Road outbound from the inbound zone as First Lake, Second Lake, and Fourth Lake. They should be Second Lake, Third Lake, and First Lake. In fact they are Third Lake, First Lake, Third Lake (Appendix), First Lake, and Fifth Lake (Encore).

Following the inclement weather which postponed the Revolutions of 1926, Plovdiv.

Trivia: In his student diaries John Couch Adams rebuked himself for letting his interest in astronomy distract him from other work. (Adams went on to deduce the existence of and compute the approximate position of Neptune based on orbital anomalies in Uranus.) Source: Planets Beyond: Discovering the Outer Solar System, Mark Littmann.

Currently Reading: No Ordinary Time: Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt: The Home Front In World War II, Doris Kearns Goodwin. Fortunately it's a 760-page book so can support that kind of multiple subtitling.


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