austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

If I stay I still won't be here

PAVEMENT NARROWS, WEST VIRGINIA - Wednesdays may be on the chopping block if rumors of a production halt at Ferred Refreezer Services are correct. The company, primary supplier of Wednesdays for decades, is reportedly evaluating the popularity of the line of days. Wednesday inventories have dwindled to their lowest levels since the American Express salad-oil scandal of 1963.

Katherine Transfer, supporting such the change, asserted that doing without Wednesdays would improve the rhythm of weeks and speed up getting to the weekends. ``The major economic activity of Wednesdays is observing that the day feels like another one, most often Thursday or in extreme cases, Saturday. We could use Thursdays to feel like Thursdays, and enjoy the benefits of thinner calendars.''

``Furthermore'', Transfer went further, ``without Wednesdays we won't be plagued by `hump day' events. The release of tension on metaphoric camels alone could be worth over $375 million'' although it was not said to who. ``The camels could finally complete their valuable work of designing a committee.''

Sure to protest such a change would be John Trustee (no relation), among the leading promoters of Nilla Wafers, and so he was. ``Putting aside the disruption to office carpool schedules, Nilla Wafers do over 75 percent of their business on Wednesdays. That can't be dismissed.'' Trustee also offered to try drawing up a carpool schedule, if anyone could contribute a car.

Independent yet somehow financed industry analyst Herbert Kilocycle has suggested that stock may be running low in advance of a badly needed update to the Wednesday model. ``We've been hearing rumors for over seven years of making a Wednesday which was compatible with wi-fi networks, and let's not forget, it only took five years of development to get Internet on Wednesdays at all.'' If this proposal is correct the company may announce an upgraded Wednesdays at the Daily Expo scheduled for the 9th of March, should it come to that.

Kilocycle went on to explain, ``I have this strange and rare sense of complete freedom that comes upon me after I shower, when I can stand in the bathroom wearing only socks and a shirt. Isn't it strange how the mind works? I can't bring myself even to go to my own bedroom wearing so little, but enclosed that way I feel myself encompassing the universe. It's like the bit in Hamlet about being bound in a nutshell.'' This analysis raises suspicions that he heard the question wrong.

Ferred Refreezer Services began production of Wednesdays following the merger of seven smaller companies in 1928 and two larger that became much smaller in 1929. It became the de facto sole supplier in 1982 when Lane-Roseman-Lane collapsed following discovery its Wednesdays were made with scrap Monday parts and non-dairy wood pulp. A report for the National Institutes of Standards and Technology last year concluded without Refreezer the four remaining ``Six Sister'' companies could not step up production to meet a full schedule before 2014, and it is expected to take longer now.

Its official silence over the rumors is not unusual, owing to the company's love of pantomime which is described as ``impish'' in its official web movie or ``tedious'' according to an offhand comment by technology chief Cosima Tangent of 3:15-4:05 supplier Proximity Disque, which last month signed a three-year agreement to provide ``hand wiggle, fingers slice diagonally, clap, head-rub, fingers fold, clap, clap''.

This year would not be the first to do without Wednesdays. The United States cancelled Wednesdays in response to a War Production Administration edict from January 1918 through March 1919. The country adapted, most notably with churches offering ``Ash Liberty Tuesday'' services and short-lived rewrites of the folk rhyme about Solomon Grundy so he made it into a second week.

Hand-made or folk-art Wednesdays would be unaffected, but their limited production would not affect the market at large. They would likely continue to be directed at local bake sales or school play performances.

If permanently dropped this would be the first substantial change in the weekday order since the cancellation of Nerthday at the Congress of Vienna and the swapping of Tuesday and Thursday.

Trivia: The 6th century BC Athenian legislator Solon introduced laws protecting olive trees: in a grove only two trees could be removed each year, with penalties ranging up to execution for violations. Source: Napoleon's Buttons: 17 Molecules That Changed History, Penny Le Couteur, Jay Burreson.

Currently Reading: Marching Through Georgia: William T Sherman's Personal Narrative Of His March Through Georgia, Editor Mills Lane.


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