austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

The next act of the show is an infinite row of unoccupied chairs, in a big room upstairs

Sitting must be regarded among the most popular ways of sitting today, and fortunately is. Sitting edges out ``not sitting'' as a way of sitting by over 80 percent in a recent survey, or over 81 percent in an older study when they weren't so concerned about rounding. Only the fad of ironically hip sitting threatens it, and after a few minutes ironic sitters forget and wander off to sneer at telephone numbers. Let's explore this phenomenon and see just what it was we explored. I bet it's not telephone numbers, which are mostly the same old zero through nine with occasional letters. The last known ampersand was put in a telephone number in 1947 as a prank on the North American Numbering Plan.

When sitting it's worth knowing whether we intend to be in a seat. If we didn't care whether we were in a seat we might think we were happy sitting or even not sitting. We might end up standing, or maybe squatting, and with our knees squatting long isn't a good idea. For people with other knees it's not a good idea at all.

If you're trying the seat option, good. There are situations in which you're expected to bring your own seat:

  • At your own home.
  • At the beach.
  • At a concert in one of those partial open-air venues built in the late 60s originally named like Garden Harmony Shared Center For The Experiential Arts but whose naming rights were bought by InsuffraBank and people are still upset about this twenty years later, where you can either be on the lawn where it rains, or on the concrete bench seats under the partial overhang where it rains infinitesimally less.
  • At a neighborhood picnic.
  • At your garage sale where you need to recover from arguing with people over the 75 cents asked for a vintage Star Trek III: The Search For Spock edition of the game Perfection! missing all the pieces and with a board that doesn't plunge much anymore. You also need some tranquilizers and maybe a cudgel.
  • At ``bring your own seat'' restaurants.
  • To your ceiling at work so people who mean to talk to you to stare up at that, giving you the chance to flee.

For these you should select a seat large enough for you, but not so large as to encourage giants to wear it as toe decoration. Check the giants in your area for their toe sizes and whether they think this looks good on them. If you can't part with a seat they like anyway, encourage them to wear socks.

Among the places you should not bring a seat are:

  • At ``leave your own seat'' restaurants.
  • On linear-induction-motor roller coasters. You must decide whether to bring one to linear-deduction-motor roller coasters based on the axioms posted by the entrance. For linear-abduction-motor coasters bring the phone number of someone who can supply your ransom or a giant who can step on the kidnappers.
  • In rockets to outer space. This is particularly important. In any legitimate space rocket venture, seats flow from the rocket company to you, never the other way. Thousands of people each year fall for scam rocket space ventures who are just stealing their seats. Do not get caught, because the Better Business Bureau and the Federal Trade Commission will laugh at you.
  • On decorated giant foots.
  • During Squatting Day concerts at the InsuffraBank Arts Plaza.

Any of these places should provide one or more seats, but ask whether they're souvenirs before taking any home, no matter how cutely they whimper or lock eyes with you. There are good seat adoption centers in your neighborhood, at least until the authorities find out. Don't worry if you can't find the instructions, as seat manufacturers figured a standard arrangement of gear shift positions in 1972 and should implement them soon.

With your seat or lack of seat you can then decide whether to sit. Once sitting compare your intention to the actual seat occupancy; you'll know whether you failed. Without that chance for seat failure, how would we make progress? Pretty well, actually, but is it worth the risk?

Trivia: The Milton Bradley Company, in 1886, was primarily a maker of educational products. Source: The Game Makers: The Story Of Parker Brothers From Tiddledy Winks To Trivial Pursuit, Philip E Orbanes.

Currently Reading: Stan And Ollie: The Roots Of Comedy: The Double Life Of Laurel And Hardy, Simon Louvish.

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