austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Although I laugh and I act like a clown

Dear Dr Firstname M Applicant,

Thank you for your excessive interest in the Lesser Pompous Lakes Area Community College District. While we are unable to match your application to any current openings we shall keep your application on file because the Provost doesn't believe it.

Your statement of teaching philosophy was compellingly written but excessively focused on the Dudley and Stephens case and its implications for ``lifeboat ethics''. We primarily serve the nontraditional student returning to college to improve employment opportunities or prepare for transfer to a four-year institute. As such, few classes resort to cannibalism, or are even forced to judge which of them should die so the others might live. In any case Chapter 7, Section II of the student handbook specifies the selection rules and provides for disciplinary review should the entire class survive contrary to policy.

Your example syllabuses helped us judge how you would organize classes. Your plans are stimulating but our budgets do not allow for purchasing so many uniforms, catcher's mitts, face guards, pie catapults, or lobster costumes. The legal department suspects a liability issue may arise from the telephone-eating portion, while the Faculty Training and Improvement Department kind of likes the idea. There have been tensions within the Faculty of Quarrelsome Arts and we thank you so much for adding your bit.

The Library Department believes it noticed you examining the textbooks already or prospectively in use, and on consultation we agree you have excellent taste in course materials. Stop licking them.

We did not expect your statement of building philosophy but admit receiving it. The Grounds Committee concedes the point that while most of our buildings and lecture halls are named after people, they are also named before other people. However, As there is no way to be certain who they are named before, we will not be renaming either Lecture Theaters 29 or 29-C in the foreseeable future. You should either name your twins independently of our buildings or find a registrar of births more open-minded than those you have encountered to date.

The District's public relations department appreciates your tracing the history of the college so diligently. We were under the impression we were established in 1974 as a commuter school for students hoping to learn ``computers or business or crafts or I dunno, maybe computers again'', as per our original charter. No one could imagine following our institutional forebears through the G.I. Bill of Rights into postwar Siberia, back through Polynesian settlements to a controversial alleged west-African outpost of the Tupi nation, back to the Baltimore Orioles of 1902, past the Hellespont on its maternal side, and around the herring-caller industry by way of neo-Brutalist architectural schools. Your citations are impeccable and in some cases existent and we will not soon forget the goat-milk-and-severe-things cheese.

Your eighteen-hour video presentation on towel safety in traffic we found eye-opening if impossible to describe. Please be assured we will no longer casually dismiss those who use the median of limited-access highways to go swimming as mere ``eccentrics''. We will gladly provide them with the recommended fifty-foot safety zone, and only the difficulty in assuring supply will keep us from tossing nutmeg plants in their general directions. The Film Studies department will send a critique under separate cover as soon as they finish being curled-up and whimpering.

This rejection specifically regards position number HX11427, a full-time non-tenure position in Implied Chemistry, the best fit we find to your application. Our files do not list positions numbered RR917 ``Tenure-Track Professor Emeritus in Mechanical Literature'', 575NCC ``Adjunct Fellowship in Paste, Glue, and Sticky Yet Not Alarming Surfaces'', 4654654 ``Online Professor of Awkward Personal Interactions'', or NT11 ``Jingling Things and Non-Jingling Things''. We suspect your position numbers to be some kind of in-jokes and are irritated that we cannot figure them out. This is not an invitation to explain the jokes to us.

We expect you to enjoy a productive and useful career, but not with us or anyone we know.


[ Incomprehensible Squiggle ]

Undictated but not read


Trivia: On 13 May 1929 at Cleveland's League Park for the first time every player on the field wore a numbered uniform. Willis Hudlin of the Indians beat the Yankees, 4-3. Source: The Rules of Baseball: An Anecdotal Look at the Rules of Baseball and How They Came To Be, David Nemec.

Currently Reading: Kon-Tiki, Thor Heyerdahl.


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