austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Closer, let me whisper in your ear

It has come to this office's attention many people are not using the available cheat codes. This is easily two things stranger than how many are not using the unavailable cheat codes. There's no actual requirement to use them, we begrudgingly admit, but it hurts feelings among the programmers who thought they had a pretty clever one snuck in.

So let's review some of the more popular unused codes. Using the function 14 key on any unattached keyboard, pull up the command box and enter 'Code: ' followed by the cheat code in uppercase, then sneeze in any direction between east-north-east and north-east by east, then tap the mouse twice, taking care to avoid its biting. If it sneezes back the code was not accepted. Don't tell the programmers when their clever one isn't.

Code: ANDCREAM. Provides the next object touched with the lasting scent of warm cookies. Strongly recommended for cookies, and not bad for kitchens. Kind of weird for gym socks. Avoid selecting items which are part of nationwide networks, such as electrical systems. An accident with this made all the telephones of Portugal smelling of oatmeal and raisins, and most public phones have been lost to hungry nibbling.

Code: BIGCHEESE. Changes all local instances of muenster cheese into monster cheese. AND IT'S LOOSE IN THE CITY! Use with discretion and mayonaise.

Code: CERULEANTEAL. Provides that either ``cerulean'' or ``teal'' can be used as the name for whatever color you're pointing at, and other people will recognize that as the color you mean. Effects last until the paint comes out of the mixer; after that you're on your own. You're thinking ``turquoise''.

Code: DEADPAN. Lets the audience correctly understand your next deadpan joke. Warning: is inconsistent with Code: REDUCTO wherein you keep building the outrageously false claim until it makes more sense than reality. If the buildup takes more than four sentences you may have hit reality after all, and should back off, lest a dangerous gags leak develop.

Code: EXCALBIAN. Generates an new episode of your favorite syndicated TV show that you've never seen before. Overuse of this explains why the short-lived Star Trek series, originally cancelled after six weeks, now has over 20,166 hours of programming, and why Enterprise has nearly eight episodes.

Code: EXTRAMONTH. Delays by not less than but not more than one month the closing of the nearest Senior Center in the community. This should explain now why the Senior Center the next block over, next to the deli where every kind of cheese is listed as ``Swiss'' if it has holes or ``Muenster'' if it hasn't, keeps announcing it'll be closing but never actually does so. Obviously someone's been sneaking the actually used codes into this list. You'll be glad for this one someday.

Code: NAMETAG. Pops up labels giving a name to everyone in sight. Would be an invaluable tool if we could get the names to be right. The programmers thought all the ``Henry'' names would make the joke obvious, but that never happens.

Code: NOSOAPJOKE. Really an Easter egg instead of a hack. Causes to pop up in conversation the joke: ``How many does it take to?'', with punch line, ``Two.'' Please don't use this. It's what happens when you let the programmers make their own humor. See also how if you hit ``eject'' on the DVD remote without a disc in there it gives the error ``No DVD in drive. Insert disc and re-try'' without opening the tray.

Code: ROTASTICKER. Turns all the bumper stickers on the car in front of you upside-down. Won't have any visible effect on those popular ``8'' stickers, but you'll know it happened.

Code: THRUGSDAY. Slips in an extra day for you between today and tomorrow. This one is mostly used by those relentlessly overproductive people who keep apologizing that their houses are ``such a mess'', where ``such'' means ``not at all''. Secret extra time wasn't meant for cleaning, for crying out loud. It was to finish watching all the stuff on the Tivo, particularly the mouse with stage fright. Cannot be used more than twice in the same week, so far as we know.

Trivia: In 1945 Pan Am's Juan Trippe introduced a round-trip tourist fare between New York and London of $275, about half what had been charged before. Source: Jet Age: The Comet, The 707, And The Race To Shrink The World, Sam How Verhovek.

Currently Reading: Fred Allen: His Life And Wit, Robert Taylor.

PS: How Many Numbers Have We Named?, an even more unanswerable question not well answered.

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