austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

But we don't know where we've been

Mysterious Road Theft Continues

National Park, NJ - Residents of this non-national park report the string of road thefts has not abated. For several months one road or the other has gone missing, and they are running short on others.

The first theft was reported on June 16th, when the attempt to drive to the end of Three-Quarter-Mile Pike on a dare found the road turned up short, entirely missing the Pike portion. Christopher Hugh, one of the discoverers, said, ``we were sure there was more street there; we could even see a Wawa in the middle of Parking Lot Field and it seemed strange it was so alone.'' The cashiers nearly all agreed there had been a road somewhere in the area, but they weren't sure just when it had vanished. One blamed Hoagiefest.

As the first stolen roads were on the outskirts and lead to marsh pits the crime was treated lightly. But two weeks ago when the undersea roads leading to the historic Fort Mifflin, Pennsylvania, were swiped, stranding dozens of aquacars, the borough council got serious. Said M(something) S(couldn't read handwriting), ``this was the site of a critical battle of the Revolutionary War: after the Colonial forces spent seven months tromping across the Appalachian Mountains they arrived here, only to find the British forces had given up waiting for them and left the day before. They settled in to camp for the winter and then tromped back the six months and thirty days to catch their foes, only to find the British had come right back to where they started. As the Continental Army rushed back to take advantage, the British recalled their commander to find out if the still had a commander, and appointed a new one just in case. Without access to this site we can never hope to understand that important day when he sailed in to Philadelphia while our young nation's patriots threw loaves of bread at him.'' Indeed.

What was expected to be a major clue turned up in early August when a fleet of road construction vehicles rolled through the main part of town. ``We thought they were working on resurfacing,'' said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous, ``since the surface needed it. Then they seemed to be working on re-centering, digging all the further down and chewing up the center with that ... center-chewing thing they have. And after that came some re-bottoming, I guess, since there were all these jackhammers being taken to the bottom of the road. And after that they found some bricks that they just stuffed in their pockets,'' said Jason, whose request was partly granted.

A suspect was arrested last Wednesday for attempting to sell Adeline Road on eBay, but a map search found there had never had an Adeline Road in National Park. Chemical tests proved the road had been Hutchinson Avenue, which also never in National Park. He is held on suspicion of forging stolen roads, and if they ever find out where Adeline Road or Hutchinson Avenue were will he be in more trouble.

The municipality has tried to cope. In the early stages it passed off the absence of roads as a pedestrian fair, and urged people to find any foods which could be dipped and fried to make it look convincing. This was fun for weeks, but as supplies of things to fry dwindled down to include frozen string beans and the bottles of brownish-red colored flavoring agents that spontaneously grow on refrigerator doors, the plan's limits grew more obvious. By the second week of September they had turned to batter-dipping the ring tosses.

As the targets for the road thieves have moved into town, residents have been forced to adjust. Many property owners have found the only things keeping their lots apart were the streets, and without them they're now dozens of feet nearer their neighbors. Christine, who lives across from Jason above near what used to be Home Avenue, said ``the old lots really let you appreciate how far you can open your front door'' without stepping into Jason's living room. It is about two feet.

Trivia: At its closest conjunctions Venus shows nearly the same face to the earth -- successive conjunctions advance Venus's face by 0.00144 rotations, about half a degree of longitude. Source: Rain of Iron and Ice, John S Lewis.

Currently Reading: Candy Freak: A Journey Through The Chocolate Underbelly Of America, Steve Almond. And he raises a great question right at the start: regional candies are disappearing fast; why isn't there an equivalent to the microbrewery market for odd or local candies?


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