austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

We'll make you a movie that's long and immense

Dramatis Personae: Programmer, Second Programmer, IT Person, Client Relations

Location: A conference room, after considerable yet somehow insufficient conferencing.

Second Programmer: So that's all there is to say about the system's slow responses.

IT Person: You're certain you've addressed that enough today?

Programmer: [ Glaring at IT ] I can't imagine anything more to say about the responses being slow.

Second: Good, because, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, I don't know how you coded things, all I know is, it's slower than I would have it.

Programmer: It's slower than I ---

Second: And the name of the game is speed. Our clients expect snappy responses.

Programmer: [ After looking to the heavens and finding they are not sending an asteroid ] So, not slow, you're saying all day.

Client Relations: Did we pin down what went wrong with the Pompous Lakes installation?

IT: Yeah. They unplugged the data drive.

Second: Hold on, now, I'm alarmed to be hearing now that you weren't aware speed was part of what we needed.

Client: Oh, don't be. The slower the response the less clients come calling me.

[ Programmer slightly laughs; IT grins. ]

Second: You think this is funny? This is our livelihood. If we don't have satisfied clients then what are we doing here?

IT: Then we're making You-Know-What slideshows for booth talks.

Second: We've been discussing this all day and as far as I know we haven't seen any improvement in the response times.

Programmer: I have four brilliant proofs that the response time should be snappy. It's the server not doing its part.

Second: I don't know how many times I've told you today I'm not telling you how to do your job ---

IT: Six.

Programmer: Only six?

Client: It's always six.

Second: But I'm very alarmed we're still suffering this sluggishness.

Client: Yeah, for hours now.

Second: And don't have a fix for the Lakes failure.

Client: They unplugged the drive.

Second: And they weren't getting any data afterwards. It wasn't my coding causing that.

Programmer: I have already conceded my foolishness in supposing nobody would disconnect the data drive, remove it from the racks, take it to their car, and drive it to pick up doughnuts sliced in half for some reason. I only programmed for the hard drive riding shotgun to take-out Thai.

IT: It's not a hard drive.

Client: It's not?

IT: It's a [ dramatically ] Shondor.

Client: What's the difference?

IT: I don't know, but the Shondor is more fun to say.

Second: Again, I don't know why you coded it to require this hard drive ---

IT: Shondor!

Second: That can be removed. That's not how I would do it.

Programmer: That's how they wanted it!

Second: They shouldn't have wanted it that way.

Client: It is in the spec that it had to be set up like that.

Second: You still shouldn't have coded it wrong.

Programmer: I can show you the exact page where it says we must use the hard drive ---

IT: Shondor!

Programmer: --- exactly how I used it.

Second: You've been saying all morning you could fix the slowness, but we're still here. I'm not telling you how to do your job ---

[ Programmer looks inquisitively at IT ]

IT: Six.

Client: Lakes is still happy being our demo bird. But we have to figure, if we put this in other places, how do we keep this from happening again?

Second: I don't know, because I don't know how it's coded, but the sluggishness ---

Programmer: We're not talking about the sluggishness.

Second: We should, because we still haven't got that fixed.

Programmer: The problem is if someone disconnects the --- Shondor. [ IT smiles. ]

IT: If somebody turns off their Shondor, we call Dave in their IT department and get it turned on.

Client: [ Amused ] There's just always going to be a Dave there?

Second: Most IT departments are staffed by people named 'Dave'. It's an efficiency measure.

IT: It's true. I've thought about changing my name just to fit in.

Programmer: Keeps them from having messages passed to the right person.

Client: See, this is what keeps these meeting valuable. I never learn stuff like this outside them.

Trivia: The (three) meals for the Gemini VI astronauts' first day of flight were stored in compartments beside the knees of both crew. The second day meals were in the right aft food compartment. Source: Gemini 6: The NASA Mission Reports, Editor Robert Godwin.

Currently Reading: Alvarez: Adventures Of A Physicist, Luis Alvarez. You know, he did a lot of interesting stuff, and yet, his tone is just a little ... mm ... you know how Richard Feynman's memoirs just about balanced the funny-guy/don't-wanna-be-around-him levels? Alvarez is not so uniformly balanced.

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