austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

Please don't talk about me when I'm gone

Dramatis Personae: Programmer, Second Programmer, IT Person, Client Relations

Location: Programmer's office. Programmer is at a desk. Client Relations person peeks in through the door.

Client: Hi there.

Programmer: Hi.

Client: Welcome back.

Programmer: ... from ... ?

Client: You were on vacation all last week.

Programmer: I was?

Client: That's why you weren't here.

Programmer: I was here all week.

Client: Everyone said you weren't here.

Programmer: I plainly grunted ``erg'' at over four people coming in and going out every day.

Client: Maybe they thought they saw you another week.

Programmer: Maybe I'm not here now.

Client: [ Laughs, sincerely yet too much for the joke. ] That's great, you should do stuff like that.

Programmer: I should ...

Client: Absolutely. Thanks for the laugh, we need them on days like these!

[ Client Relations ducks out, leaving Programmer to wonder at this as much as anything. As Programmer resumes typing, Second Programmer peeks in. ]

Second: Do you think there'll be an answer soon?

Programmer: An answer ... ?

Second: It looks unprofessional not having anything. The customers expect answers that pop. I know it's hard getting back from vacation, but you've got to be faster.

Programmer: I'm not back from vacation!

Second: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were here just checking on the fires. You going away again this week?

Programmer: I wasn't away last week, and I'm not away this week!

Second: I like those vacations best too. All the comforts of home because it is home and no travelling. Good call. But you're going to need answers when you get back.

[ Second Programmer vanishes. ]

Programmer: [ Crying out ] I'm glad I make such an impression here! [ To self ] They better not be charging me [ as Client Relations and IT peek back in ] vacation days.

IT: Vacation again already? You're talking like the boss.

Programmer: I'm not on vacation!

Client: Just got back.

IT: The boss did too. Forgot everything we spent last month doing. Takes the pressure off me.

Client: [ Laughing, again sincerely yet too much. ] Oh, there's just too much in this place.

Programmer: Can I help with ... something?

Client: First, we got this phone call.

Programmer: Right.

Client: From one of our customers.

Programmer: Uh-huh.

Client: Using your project.

Programmer: Right.

Client: With a question.

Programmer: Yes?

Client: That we couldn't answer.

Programmer: About what?

Client: Your project!

IT: It was the graphics, right? This thing about the shape?

Client: The little red rectangles.

Programmer: Red ...

IT: Well, not rectangles, but they're kind of ... rectangle-y.

Programmer: The highlight polygons?

IT: Yeah, those rectangles.

Programmer: They're green.

Client: They said red, but we knew what they meant.

[ Second Programmer, seeing the gathering, joins, and all finally enter the office. ]

Second: You have to pay attention to the customers, or you aren't ever going to meet their needs.

Programmer: What about the highlight polygons?

Second: I like your passion. That's exactly the way I would dig in to problems after a week on vacation.

IT: You were on vacation last week?

Programmer: I was not on vacation last week.

IT: I thought I kept seeing you on the way to the bathroom.

Client: They wanted to know if they can turn it off.

Second: The customer?

Client: The highlighting.

Second: You should have programmed some way to turn it off. That's one of the first things you should've learned.

Programmer: Yeah, if they go to 'options' there's a box to turn highlighting off and on.

IT: Ah, so you hid the option.

Client: I never would've thought to look there.

Second: You ought to put those options somewhere customers can find.

Programmer: I should put the 'Highlights off/on' option somewhere more obvious than 'Options'?

Second: If you can.

Client: That's probably it. Let me go tell them.

Programmer: They're here?

Client: No, they're on hold.

Programmer: I ... what number?

IT: 101.

[ Programmer picks up the phone and taps on the keypad. ]

Programmer: No, not 101. [ More tapping ] Not 102. [ More. ] Not 103.

Client: Must've given up.

Second: It doesn't speak well for your programming when your customers are giving up on you.

Programmer: Maybe I should just stay home.

IT: I did all last week. I feel great.

Trivia: In 1870 slightly under 500 ships travelled the Suez Canal, carrying just over 400,000 tons. Great Britain was responsible for three-quarters of that. Source: Parting the Desert: The Creation of the Suez Canal, Zachary Karabell.

Currently Reading: 1939: The Alliance That Never Was And The Coming Of World War II, Michael Jabara Carley.

Tags: humor
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