austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

In a perfect world we'd all sing in tune

Support Desk Incident Transcript. Use For Quality Assurance Purposes Only.

Level One Thank you for calling Your Support at Naushpitious Internet, the Company of Concern. Good afternoon. How may I assist you?

Customer [ inaudible ]?

One Is what?

Customer Is it afternoon? I mean, how do you know?

One That's the readout on my computer here.

Customer You don't have a window? Can't look out and check?

One It's to prevent glare ---

Customer That's kind of sad. Do they at least paint the ceiling blue to impersonate sky?

One I --- beg pardon but is this related to your problem?

Customer No.

One May I have your account number, please?

Customer I entered it twice and read it aloud. Didn't it take?

One We ... must ask again for reasons of identity protection.

Customer You have drop tiles, right? Soft grey things reaching out forever? Always looking about to snow, but never snowing.

One May I [ inaudible ] purpose of your call?

Customer You're the help [ inaudible ] Internet service provider. Would I call just about your kids' soccer games?

One You're experiencing a service disruption?

Customer It's Friday evening. This is what we do every Friday.

One We have [ inaudible ] areas suffering known service disruptions which we have crews addressing.

Customer I heard your impressive list of slightly mispronounced town names. None are mine.

One May I please have your account number so I can address your problem?

Customer You couldn't address my problem the last six times. It's irrelevant [ inaudible ] have my account number.

One Going through our diagnostic procedure can resolve many common service disruptions.

Customer I've never had a service disruption anyone's diagnostic procedure has resolved. Or known anyone who did.

One I'm sorry you've had unsatisfactory experiences but with your account number I could ---

Customer You have it. You gave it to me; I didn't take the number away [ inaudible ].

One It should be an eighteen-digit ---

Customer It's [ redacted ].

One Thank you, and now I can see your account history and ---

Customer And the Internet's still not working.

One All right. Our first step is, would you please connect a computer running ---

Customer No.

One If you're not willing to take some simple steps ---

Customer It doesn't matter. It won't solve the problem.

One May I know why it is you're calling, please, if you won't help us to help you solve your problem?

Customer I'm calling because the Internet is out. Again. And when the Internet is out one calls tech support, who doesn't solve the problem.

One We have an extremely good track record of resolving common service complaints when the customer allows ---

Customer Why have I never had a common service complaint? Why are they always rare problems immune to [ inaudible ], curable by nothing but waiting for the problem to go away?

One The wide variety of computers and home network configurations make it impossible --- why are you calling if you think nothing can be done?

Customer Because my Internet is down.

One But you won't help ---

Customer I don't expect help. I expect to waste time talking to tech support pretending something can help. Calling tech support is what one does when the Internet doesn't work. It won't help, but that's all there is to do.

One I ...

Customer I'm sorry it was your time that got wasted, but, if it weren't me it'd be someone else that you couldn't help either.

One Well. If there is any other service I can ...

Customer Not a thing.

One I see.

Customer Say, how are the kids? They had indoor soccer last weekend, right? How'd that go?

One You remembered! Yes, they ... Well, they participated.

Customer Eh. That's the important thing at that age, isn't it?

One Yours had ... basketball, [ inaudible ]?

Customer Rained out.

One What?

Customer Rained out. The arena flooded. The sump pumps broke or something at 2 am, the automated e-mail warning didn't get through. Opened up Saturday morning and it was a swamp.

One Dear me, I'm sorry.

Customer It's life. [ inaudible ] next week.

One Take care.

In the experience survey the customer rated this incident ``Yes/7/8/8'' and commented, ``The company's slogan sounds like a bad translation''.

Trivia: The Apollo Command Module's forward heat shield, the apex cover, was ejected at about 24,000 feet on reentry; a small parachute built into it ensured it would separate from the rest of the Command Module. Source: The Apollo Guidance Computer: Architecture and Operation, Frank O'Brien.

Currently Reading: Starshadows, Pamela Sargent.

Tags: humor

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