austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

Don't Get Fooled Again

Good ... er ... morning. I'd like to thank you all for attending this, er, mandatory company meeting. I know it's hard to work up much enthusiasm for, er, for a meeting from the new --- I mean about the new --- company handbook first thing in the morning, but I'm sure you appreciate how the need to accommodate our bretheren in the Vampire Accounts Department. So while I know it's hard starting a conference like this at 3:24 am on New Moon, this ... uh ... a Full Moon? Well, I don't know, look outside and tell me ... Getting back to my notes here, I would like to say that of all the receptions I've gotten from an audience yours was, uh, unquestionably one of them.

I have a little PowerPoint presentation here that shows ... how the projector isn't working. All right. OK, yes, I press the laptop in button and ... no, the computer in ... no, auxiliary ... no, maybe the unlabelled button ... I'm sorry, didn't mean to turn off the auditorium lights. Let's try that again and ...

... OK, I found the button to turn on the microphone again. I can read my slides, maybe you'll get the picture from them. What? ... All right, a Full Moon, so I guess the Vampire Accounts Division can't be here after all. Well, we're not going to miss them, are we, folks? ... Yes, see, that's another response that makes you think, uh, wow.

I guess the first thing is about the rumors where we've been taken over by Insuffrabank and combined with the Prufflingers Savings Bank before being spun off to a private equity group controlled by mad ducks. Rumors are natural in uncertain times like this and I know suspicious behavior on the part of higher-ups like rewriting the employee manuals and changing the bank that writes your paychecks and all the Level L managers having their phone numbers changed to ``unlisted'' encourage rumor generation. But we really have to thank Terry and the group over at Rumors and Small Talk because we'd never have imagined the thing about Prufflingers. Also, half of them are drakes.

This maybe isn't the primary thing on anyone's mind but we've made changes in the Company History section to better reflect the history of the company, the company, and our ... history. I suppose the big thing is we no longer claim that the Hernlingers Federal Bank was founded in 1894 when the partnership of Preblik and Nordan ran across a small bank that ``fell off a truck''. We've found some reliable-looking microfilm of newspapers suggesting that at the time, they thought a truck fell off the bank, and then some other accounts in an 1884 documentary for the Discovery Channel says that Preblik and Nordan fell off each other, those being the days before prohibition and handrails.

Due to a lack of use we're no longer providing colored folders. I know many people have been asking for colored folders, based on the number of notes tied around rocks and tossed through my door, but, this will yield a savings of nearly $7.80 per department per annum each year and we can't overlook that sort of thing in this uncertain market, and besides we can re-sell the rocks at a tidy profit in the employee store.

This next slide clearly shows the number 7856. Let me turn the computer around so you in the first rows can see ... yes, you'd agree that's clearly '7856', wouldn't you? Thank ... what? 7865? Hm. Well, that probably means something.

The, uh, substance abuse policy, that's some good updates to update you about in this ... update. Employees must now treat wood with the same respect and dignity given to noodles, skin lotion, gelatins, and cars. Also, licking a fluorescent light bulb the first or second time will result in immediate dismissal. But after the fourth time we will start taking your opinions seriously again. This policy is still a working draft and has only been licked thrice.

Here, now, I think you'd like this slide. It's a solid, soothing greenishy-yellow ... something. Maybe you could come --- oh, the button, you think it's ``Trap In''? ``Trap Door''? Strange label to have --- whaaaaugh!

[ * splash * ]

Trivia: Theodore Roosevelt was prescribed saccharine while President. Source: Sweet and Low, Rich Cohen.

Currently Reading: The Pine Barrens, John McPhee.

Tags: humor

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