austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,
austin_dern
austin_dern

We'd Like To Know A Little Bit About You For Our Files

Host: Welcome back. Glad to have you listening to us this half-hour.

Cohost: They don't have to be listening.

Host: They don't?

Cohost: They might be talking. We wouldn't hear.

Host: It seems rude of our audience to keep talking while we're trying to say something.

Cohost: From their perspective, we're talking over their conversation.

Host: That's fair. Well, if any of you out there are listening we've got something special for you.

Author: Hello.

Host: Not yet.

Cohost: But soon.

Author: I'll be here.

Host: Thanks. Now, we're doing an interview with the author of a fantastic new book ---

Author: I wouldn't say fantastic.

Cohost: You don't like your own book?

Author: I like it, I just think ``fantastic'' is a pretty strong word.

Host: Would you go along with saying it's an ``interesting'' new book?

Author: I'd go along with the ``new'' part. It's definitely new.

Cohost: Brand-new?

Author: No, just ``new'' is enough. That covers it.

Cohost: That and the dust jacket.

Host: Author of a new, ``new'' book. Now why don't you tell us a bit about the book?

Author: Because it's unseemly to brag. That's why.

Host: Even if you just talked a little?

Author: It's rude to force yourself to be the center of conversation.

Cohost: Surely not. After all, we're here and asking about it. We'd like to know and share a little more with our listeners ---

Host: And those people not listening because they're talking.

Author: And do you want to interrupt all those conversations with my little prattling on?

Host: They could tell us as soon as they weren't interested.

Cohost: Especially since they're talking already.

Author: Some of them may be shy.

Host: I'd imagine yours would is an attitude you'd struggle with your publicist about.

Author: We have some terrible rows.

Host: Those must be interesting.

Author: I wouldn't want to talk out of turn.

Cohost: My understanding of your book ---

Author: You understand it? Oh, my, but that's so gratifying.

Cohost: Thank you. I understand it's a book about living comfortably after the apocalypse.

Author: No, no, no, not at all.

Cohost: No?

Author: No, it's just for living after an apocalypse. There might be a couple of them.

Host: Most wouldn't worry about the difference there. I mean, between one and a couple endings of the world.

Author: It seems presumptuous of me to say there's going to just be the one apocalypse when we have so many to choose from.

Cohost: The advice you offered that really caught my imagination was about footwear. You say that we should make sure to wear penny loafers in place of shoes.

Author: Not in place of shoes. We should be wearing penny loafers as shoes.

Host: An important distinction. But why?

Author: It could be dangerous going barefoot. There's probably broken glass or planks of wood in the street.

Cohost: Yes, but why not regular shoes?

Author: Regular shoes need shoelaces, which can break. If there's been an apocalypse who knows where you're going to get new shoelaces from?

Host: I never thought about that.

Author: Most people don't think about broken shoelaces about that.

Cohost: Not until your shoelaces break, no, and then you can't think about anything else.

Host: Isn't that always the way?

Cohost: Remember that time in 2005 you had laces break on both shoes the same week? You went on about that for ages.

Host: I ... didn't think we even met until 2007?

Author: I wouldn't know about that. I only got here last night.

Cohost: Go Bag.

Author: What?

Cohost: I didn't see it in your book but aren't you supposed to have a ``Go Bag'' for emergencies?

Host: I thought a ``Go Bag'' was a hurricane thing.

Author: I suppose you could have one, I guess. If you really wanted.

Cohost: It's not like they're going to go throwing me out of the end of the world, are they?

Author: An end of the world.

Host: You're really careful about that an-apocalypse versus the-apocalypse thing, aren't you?

Author: It's been a constant struggle making that difference clear. I could write a book just about that.

Cohost: And that's no idle threat from you, is it?

Author: What?

Cohost: Most people, saying they could write a book, they couldn't. You could if you wanted.

Author: I suppose that's so.

Host: What about velcro shoes?

Author: What about what about veclro shoes?

Host: They don't need laces either. Would they be good after an apocalypse?

Author: I ... never thought about those, and here I'm wearing a pair myself.

Cohost: Gives you something to write for the second edition, doesn't it?

Author: You're right. Thank you.

Host: Thank you, and thanks to our listeners, if they've finished their conversations too.

Trivia: Frank Woolworth's first``Great 5 Cent Store'', opened in Utica, New York, on Washington's Birthday, 1879, was a failure from the start, and sometimes took in as little as $2.50 per day. Source: The Grand Emporiums: The Illustrated History Of America's Great Department Stores, Robert Hendrickson.

Currently Reading: Chance Of A Lifetime: Nucky Johnson, Skinny D'Amato and how Atlantic City because the Naughty Queen of Resorts, Grace Anselmo D'Amato.

Tags: humor
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