austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

He's a great arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease that two and two are three, or five, or anything you please

Since I'll have to find a new job pretty soon I should probably do some investigating the possibilities. One possibility is getting a new job, sure, but those tend to be pretty expensive high-maintenance propositions. Another possibility is getting a used job, but those come with mysterious backgrounds and all manner of extra little nagging issues, like the headliner falling down. A falling headliner can be repaired by four methods, of course, but nobody knows what they are, so that's why I have to think carefully about what I'm supposed to do for money.

  • Prospect: Repair person, Spring In The Step Division.
    Need: Everyone wants a spring in their step, but how many try to make it happen? Sense of rhythm will be provided with references.
    Disadvantages: Too great a spring risks retaliation from kangaroos. Steps need to be clearly labelled lest the unsuspecting get flung over top of the house, office building, or historical memorial park. May be expected to provide own springs, occasional steps.
  • Prospect: Wildcat Docent.
    Need: Nobody has any idea who the statue of Joseph Henry outside the Smithsonian Castle is, so they stare at it and try making things up. Thus the need for someone who'll come up to strangers and tell them how Joseph Henry pioneered important breakthroughs like being sick of talking to Samuel Morse, leading the way for other people like Alfred Vail, Catholics, Poles, Sabbatarians, Zygortian Death Raiders, chipmunks, collectors of blue things that start with the letter ``K'', and amateur toast enthusiasts.
    Disadvantages: The only open position for an explainer of who that statue outside the Smithsonian Castle is puts the candidate in Toronto, leading to many conversations reaching over 1.15 on the open-ended awkward interpersonal relations scale. Of course even this has an advantage since the increase in general tension and anxiety in the community makes people more alert and productive as they edge briskly away, which translates according to a misprinted Finno-Ugric dictionary into creativity increases of from 15 to 25 centidalis per capita per person except where void.
  • Prospect: Printout Tracer.
    Need: Any sufficiently advanced office has set up all its printers to all its computers so there's no way of guessing where any printout will go.
    Disadvantages: Long hours spent walking, often climbing stairs, climbing by rappel ropes and pitons to other levels while being interrupted by comical guest star cameos, and occasionally needing to find a place to camp with your sherpas and llama through harsh weather conditions. Must provide own llama or find a day rental llama service. Thin air on upper levels can lead to a sense of giddiness that might result in turning printouts into paper airplanes, paper hats, or paper airplanes used as paper hats because the only person who remembers how to do origami stuff isn't talking to anyone after the llama-eaten-hair incident of '43.
  • Prospect: Moon Drinker.
    Need: Up to several times a year eclipses make the Moon turn a dark brown-red. This is caused by the Moon filling with Pibb Zero and is not usually a problem. However, to avoid the hazards to moonlight-driven shipboard navigation this buildup really ought to be contained before it gets to the visible stage.
    Disadvantages: Drinking a moon's worth of Pibb Zero requires frequent bathroom trips, so that considerable pay goes toward buying hand soap. Hazards to navigation are generally reduced these days now that ships no longer steer by the light of the Moon and instead use the cabin lights, causing them to sail right into one another's bridges. Also a connection of a connection to a guy who's on LinkedIn says he can achieve the same result just by tipping over the Moon, at less cost, so the job might be outsourced soon to the people who're clearing Venus of its surface layer of McLean Deluxes even though they're far behind schedule. There's also a rumor going around NASA they figure next time it gets to the New Moon they'll just return the unused portion for a full refund.

I think my best prospect is trusting my current employers forgetting to take me off the payroll for a year or two.

Trivia: In its first issue, in 1843, the Economist devoted less than a tenth of its ``commercial markets'' column to money market and stock prices. Source: The Company: A Short History Of A Revolutionary Idea, John Micklethwait, Adrian Wooldridge.

Currently Reading: Uniforms: Why We Are What We Wear, Paul Fussell.

[ ``Wildcat docent'' is one of those combinations of words that came together very late --- literally, at 11:45 pm --- during last-minute editing. And suddenly I'm captivated by the blend. I may have to write a sketch around that word. ]

PS: A Third Thought About Falling, and the thing about the study of rotating boxes that I really expected my father would call me on.


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