austin_dern (austin_dern) wrote,

They answered my questions with questions and pointed me into the night

Please read and understand our most current Frequently Asked Questions before proceeding.

Q. Will I need a new signature key for the Version 12 API?

A. An 18th century volume of practical remedies and cures in common use throughout the Jerseys and eastern Pennsylvania recommends as treatment for baldness, or ``Queen Anne's keyk-boll'', one slice an onion into fine shards, mix with a kind of salted poultice made from shad residues, and massage it vigorously into one's head. Keep it up for a month and you'll have a head ``blessd [ with ] the odour of onions and perhaps rotted fish'', a generally satisfying answer to many questions.

Q. What are your hours?

A. This is a commonly mistaken term, frustrating to grammarians for literally years now. It is not ``your hours''; it is ``our yours''.

Q. Where is the nearest golf course?

A. As you mature rather than search for the places where you may do a thing, you should practice wondering why you may not do it where you happen to be, or why you should be doing it at all. Follow Old Route 27 North to where it intersects Old Route 27 Business West and listen for people joking about how much trouble they have with the little windmill. There are no windmills on this course.

Q. There was this one episode of G.I.Joe in the 80's ---

A. ``Frogs in winter''.

Q. Seriously, though, do we need new signature keys for the Version 12 API?

A. Begin by establishing your farm tolerably near halfway between the major centers of colonial population. Your large family and network of friends will surely stop in and visit you during their travels, and find that it's pleasant to spend the night with you. They in turn invite their friends. When your patience wears thin, give in to the obvious market demand and transform your house into a tavern and overnight hotel. This will attract further guests and subsidiary businesses, all based around the tavern and hotel. As these will naturally bear your name, the town which grows around this will have your family name, and once the Geographic Survey accepts this, you'll have a whole municipality named after you, possibly with an ``s'' appended to it, at least until the town gets a weird attitude and decides to rename itself New Sodom or something.

Q. Should I list ``can grow a beard fairly well'' on my resume?

A. Yes, if you are applying for a position with a barber college. No, if you are applying for a position as a professional bowling ball. Jobs as coconuts (professional or amateur) are too variable to have a simple answer; ask someone at the company what the local culture expects. Employers will be interested only in real beards. Beards grown on furniture, automobiles, or statuary will count against you and may end the lightning round.

Q. Is there such a thing as ``too much'' spaghetti?

A. Yes. When the spaghetti tides rise more than fourteen feet above your head, leaving you to struggle against a constrictor-like crush of meatballs, you can be fairly said to have ``too much'' spaghetti.

Q. When people say they're ``tired, but functional'', what functions are they referring to?

A. They are speaking of the wave-function operators of quantum mechanics, specifically the electric dipole transition, and so rather than ``functional'' a better term would be ``operational'', except the latter phrase results in people being taken for robots in inappropriate contexts. This is a rare moment where English doesn't make sense.

Q. Everyone's worked up about Twinkies going away with the Hostess bankruptcy, but it's not like some other horrible, horrible, giant multinational corporation isn't going to buy the license and start making their own Twinkies. What about the lesser brands nobody really cares about? What's the future for Beefsteak-brand pumpernickel bread?

A. You care about Beefsteak-brand pumpernickel bread? Don't worry, I'm sure you can have some anytime you dine with Great-Grandmom back in the Old Country in 1910.

Q. Great-Grandmom was from Queens.

A. I think you and I both know that's demographically improbable. We'll have no more of your fibbing. Now begone!

Trivia: The phenomenon of the missing day observed by the surviving members of Magellan's expedition was first explained, apparently, by the Venetian ambassador to Spain. Source: In Quest of Spices, Sonia E Howe.

Currently Reading: The Uncertain Revolution: Washington and the Continental Army at Morristown, John T Cunningham.

PS: Infinite Buggles, using an infinite jukebox to present a faulty analysis of how long a song might loop back on itself.

Tags: humor

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